You Are Not a Number.

I'm here to let everyone know one simple thing. You are not a number. I used to believe that I was a measly collection of different numbers--I still sometimes go back to that sad, depressing place, but I am here to say.. you are more than that.

My loves, you are so much more than useless numbers. It seems that everything in our society has a grading scale, or a number attached to it. Maybe it's to categorize us as citizens, or maybe it's to make us feel like complete shit. Either way, we have to combat these numbers.

You are not the amount of debt that you have, try your hardest not to let it weigh you down. You are not your credit score. No matter the hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that you have, you are not that debt. What do you think of when you think of debt? I think of the classic elementary number line, and I think of negative numbers. Do not place yourself down in the negatives. You may owe money, yes, but that is not all that you are. You are the education that you received from that money, you are the cute clothes and the cute shoes you may have gotten on that Capital One card on a day when you needed to feel happy.

You are not the number on the scale. You are not the technical, scientific weight of what gravity makes of you. You may want a scale for health reasons, that's totally fine and it's your prerogative, but try not to let it get out of hand. Don't look at that number and listen to the media and consider that as your worth. Do not look at that number and think it's too big and consider yourself worthless. Do not look at that number and think it's too small and consider yourself as less than. Your body lets you live everyday, don't belittle it by making its worth a simple number.

You are not the height that you carry. You are not the ruler. You are perfect. It doesn't matter if you're so tall that you have to look down at all of your friends. It doesn't matter if you're so short that you have to look up to the world. It is not your wrongdoing that the world was not made with you in mind. You are not that discretion, and that is not your inadequacy--you are not flawed.

You are not your sexual partner number. You should not feel forced to either have sex in order to increase that number, or not have sex to try and plateau or make up for having too many partners. You are your pleasure, you are your agency, you are your sensitive skin, and you are your shivers--whether that's with a partner or not. You are not a number.

I usually have to repeat to myself that I am not a mere number. I have to tell myself that no matter how fat I am, no matter how big my tits are, no matter how chunky my short legs are, no matter how much student loan debt that I have, no matter much that scale tells me that I weigh, that I am not a number. You take it for what it is, and you swipe it off of your shoulders. I know that it's hard.

It's hard for me to step on the scale and see the number that I see. Sometimes I get sad about it, and starve myself all day, just to come home and stuff myself with dinner. I am not that number. I am my breasts. I am my soft skin. I am my mop-like hair that desperately needs colored. It's also hard for me to see how much student debt that I have, and it's hard for me to look at my monthly bills when my salary isn't even enough to pay them. But in 20 years will I be so bad off? Lets hope not.

We have to rise up and we have to love ourselves. We are not a stupid collection of numbers. We are people. We have to stop comparing ourselves to everyone else. We have to stop dieting and start living. Instead of hating yourself for having that footlong sub, or that ice cream.. give yourself some love! Why do we treat ourselves so badly?! We have to stop, and I'm as much to blame as any of you could be.

Who's with me? Lets take a stand. Lets not measure our worth with numbers.

cort xo

Dear People-Who-Keep-Fat-Shaming-Chick-Fil-A-ers,

Dear People-Who-Keep-Fat-Shaming-Chick-Fil-A-ers,

Really? Is that necessary? Yes, it is a little ridiculous that the way people in this country can be activists in this SPECIFIC situation is through chicken, but really?! What's the difference between them getting a chicken sandwich value meal and you going to any other place on that day in protest of Chick-Fil-A and getting a chicken sandwich value meal? This horrible outcry against marriage equality and gay rights in general is NOT ABOUT CHICKEN. It just so happens that it started because of the notorious interview with a guy who owns the restaurant, so of course.. it's where? At the restaurant.

So, please stop. You're making us look bad. I'm fat and I'm not eating chicken sandwiches. And on Wednesday, I actually went to a fast food chain and got a salad! It doesn't matter what people are eating, they have every right to eat what they want, whether it's in the name of activism or not. What about a few weeks or a month or however so ago when these people were boycotting Oreo's when the company released the rainbow stuffed cookie picture and we were all, "I'm going to buy as many Oreo's as possible!", "I'm better than you!", "Yee-haw!"? They could have said (and probably did say something) about how lavish the gays were.

Now you're saying that these people can go for an appreciation day at the restaurant and that it's fine because when you are equally married they'll just end up sitting at home with Type 2 Diabetes? REALLY?! That's so damn rude, and discredits the illness, along with people who have it. YES, I agree, closed-mindedness and ignorance is shown when these people support a restaurant that hates us as a community, but it DOES NOT show that all fat people are bigots and hate the gays.

So please stop. I don't appreciate the fat-shame, because, well, I'm FUCKING FAT. And I'm a big old damn queer and I'm not eating chicken sandwiches but guess what? I'm still FUCKING FAT.

Sincerely Your's,
Cortnie xo

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I'm Tired of Waiting.

I'm so damn tired of waiting for something better to happen. I'm tired of sitting on my ass, typing away at my blog, hoping for a change in myself. I'm making this change. It's exhausting and pointless to continue to hope for something better, but do nothing to change it. I love myself. But I need control and I need change. We all are always waiting for something. Whether it's to get into a bathing suit (when you could easily just put one on), waiting for a better job to come along, waiting for a better partner to come along, or in my case, waiting to love myself fully. Well, it isn't just going to happen. 

I love myself, I do a lot, but I need to take better care of myself. And here I am, doing that. No waiting. I'm in love with who I am. I'm in love with myself. That is why I am eating healthier foods, and being more active in hopes of being healthier. But, I need to lose weight. Not because of what anyone is telling me, and not because of things that I see, but because my body hurts. I'm jaded in this thought that I'm completely happy with myself. I believe that all bodies are beautiful, and that if someone is happy with themselves and other people say that they are fat or ugly, that's bullshit. But, I'm not completely satisfied with myself. I can do better for myself. So, I'm working towards that goal of being healthier, and losing some weight so that I can be more comfortable, because it's what my body needs. I don't want to be out of breath when I walk to class. I don't want to be that person. My body is exhausted. I'm tired of saying I'm okay with myself when I'm not completely okay with myself. Fuck that. I need to be honest with myself. I'm too young to feel so old.

None of my prior posts are lies. I swear that.
We are all beautiful creatures. I just want to be a happier Cortnie.

cort x

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Fat People with Eating Disorders: My Story

Early start to my cat lady life.

The only eating disorders that fat people can have, according to our culture, is binge eating or emotional eating. I want to talk about eating disorders in fat people because I have a lot of experience with it.  I'm a fat woman, and I've suffered/am currently suffering from eating disorders. When I was in middle school, while battling a terrible case of OCD, I was afraid to eat. I only ate prepackaged Poptarts, one pack a day, because I was afraid of any other food having food poisoning. Although I was a fat pre-teen (or so I thought at the time), I was not doing this for weight loss initially, I was doing it because I didn't want to throw up from contaminated food. After some long months of doing this, my peers started realizing that I was losing weight. They were complimenting me, telling me how great I looked. 

After a year or so of this, I picked myself up a boyfriend. I began to obsess about everything, thanks to my OCD, involving food. People started talking to me more, boys liked me, teachers even treated me differently. My obsessiveness got so intense that I found pro-ed blogs, LiveJournals mostly, and looked at what these girls were doing. While scrolling through the pages, looking at the emaciated pictures of these girls who were still calling themselves fat, and seeing everything they were eating (in these blogs, you'd post every single thing you were eating, down to the ounce), I thought.. well, if these girls are fat, then I'm way too fat. I began to love that grumbling stomach, begging for food, because it meant that I was doing something right. I never realized that what I was doing was wrong.

I didn't pee my pants, this was a practical joke.
Funny, funny. (I'm short on pictures so this is what you get)

Another girl in my 6th or 7th grade class was super athletic, and super thin. I remember one day she wasn't in class, and the next day and the next. She was out of school for about two weeks and when she came back, she looked absolutely terrible. It had been found that she was suffering from anorexia, a term that I wasn't familiar with even after I'd been internet friends with many people suffering from the same thing while I was suffering as well, and I wondered many things. I'm doing the same things that this girl is doing, but no one is recognizing my problem. Does that mean I don't have a problem? I'm equally suffering from exhaustion, upset stomach, not being able to focus on school work, constantly obsessing about my food, not eating school lunch, and nausea whenever I ate anything. No one cared about my problems because I was losing weight for the right reasons, I was fat. I dealt with the nausea so much that my mother had to carry around anti-nausea medicine with her, and though I'm sure it worried her, I don't think she knew what was going on with her daughter.

At a school dance in 7th grade.

No one knew what was going on with me. It was my own little secret, and I liked it that way. I went to school and I came home to get onto the computer and look at pictures of super-thin people, bond with the friends that I'd made online, and I was always so excited to just not eat. That grumbling stomach always told me what I was doing right. I was also working at the YMCA at this point, volunteering mostly, in swim lessons and stuff. Around this time, I picked up on swimming laps. I absolutely loved it. I loved being in the water, pushing my legs and moving my arms, gasping for that infamous swimmers side breath every few laps, and feeling my stomach growl while I was in the water. I'm telling you, this stomach growling was my favorite part of any day. My next favorite thing? The compliments I'd gotten on my weight loss. People asked what I was doing, how they were so proud of me for finally getting healthy. Little did they know, I was at one of the most unhealthy points in my life. I mean, at this point I was barely eating my daily Poptart.

Then, something changed. I was so hungry. So, so hungry. I remember the first bit of food I ate after my long stretch of not eating anything.  I remember being at the mall, with my mother I think. She had gotten a pretzel from Auntie Anne's, and I wanted one. Surprisingly. I ordered some big cinnamon one, and I ate the whole thing. I binged and I felt terrible about it. I wanted to puke, but as I mentioned above, I was terrified of throwing up (as I still am to this day). I didn't want to throw it up. I remember going on my LiveJournal and spewing out my regrets into the internet. How ridiculous is it that I felt so much guilt for eating this pretzel?

Freshman year of high school.

A few years later and I'm a cheerleader in high school trying the Atkins diet. I pass out at cheerleading practice, which is embarrassing enough. But no one assumes it's because of my new diet of eating, well, nothing healthy. According to nearly everyone, it's because I'm too fat to keep up with the other girls training for the yearly competition. What a shame. I could have gotten help.

Fast forward to today and what happens? I binge eat when I'm sad. I binge eat if I'm lonely. It's a way of comfort, and that's never okay. Whenever a 'diet' or 'lifestyle change' is introduced to me, I get really excited. I get an insane high that I can't even attempt to explain; remembering my past and counting calories and figuring out how in the negative I am with calories and working out and burning those calories. In my past, whenever I attempt to go on a diet and work out, it always goes to the extreme that it was when I was 11 or 12. There is no middle ground for me. There is no healthy diet for me, at least not yet. I think once I recognize these things fully, that I can have a more reasonable relationship with food. I feel like today I'm better. A lot better. I love who I am. But sometimes, it's bad again. If I want to start a new workout program, I get anxious and scared that I'll get obsessive again, and that makes me not even start it, which is so sad.

If I step on a scale and see a number that I don't like, my mind immediately goes into overdrive thinking of how many calories I can burn in one week and how many pounds that translates to. I daydream about my old days of wearing Abercrombie & Fitch jeans, and not worrying about whether or not I would be able to find clothes in any random clothing store. Somedays I dream of that, and as sad as this is to admit, I think that that's a natural part of being human in the culture that we live in. We aren't supposed to like what we look like. I mean, that's why the diet industry is making billions upon billions of dollars each year, right? We all see this thin propaganda, usually without even thinking about it. It goes in one ear and out the other, but that is not to discredit what it does to our brains. If I'm out with friends for dinner, I try to be as normal as possible while ordering food. Fat people are scrutinized for what they eat, thin people aren't. I can be at dinner with a few friends and we could all order huge cheeseburgers, but who is the waitress going to give the stink eye to? Do I really have to even ask? 

Cincinnati Pride: Courtesy of Citybeat

Don't get me wrong, everyone, I do love who I am. I love wearing my bikini (who wants to go swimming?), and I love breaking boundaries that fat ladies have. I love every minute of it. I am fat, and I will never be thin, and that is necessary to recognize. And I'm okay with that. This isn't even the whole of my eating disorder history, but it is the most devastating to me. I wanted to share this story with all of you because I want people to stop thinking that fat people can't have eating disorders. Through this whole not-eating journey and battle with anorexia in middle school, I still only lost enough weight to get down to about a size 10 or 12. Not thin by today's standards, and definitely not thin by my middle school peer's standards or by my pro-ed LiveJournal friend's standards. Currently, I'm around a size 24 probably, I'm always wearing leggings so I don't really keep track.


The moral of the story? You have to love yourself. And even that isn't enough sometimes. A fat person not eating is not a noble lifestyle change. It's a disorder, an illness, a disease. Congratulating them is hurting them. We all have to love ourselves, and I cannot stress that enough. I love myself so so much, and that isn't even enough sometimes. Maybe somedays I watch more tv than other days, and see more weight loss propaganda, or maybe one day I am thinking about stupid shit too much. Whatever the reason, the guilty, regretful feelings still come back. But when do I love myself the most? When I'm not obsessing about my stomach, when I find a cute outfit, when I'm around people who love me, when readers like you email me or message me on Facebook and tell me how much I've changed your lives. Those things drive me. They make me so so happy. I'm so glad I can make you all love yourselves so much. In that sense, I didn't want everyone to think that I'm free of these same thoughts that you have. I just try to approach them differently. 


I know that I'm not the only one who has dealt with these issues, but how would I know if people don't talk about them? That is why I wanted to write this post. That is also why it was so hard for me to write this post. I'm on the verge of tears, and I'm shaking, but I had to do this for myself and for you. You are okay. You are beautiful. You deserve to love yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect. 


You are amazing, and I love you. 
xo, Cortnie

Fat-Shamed @ Starbucks

When mom and I landed back home at the airport on Monday, the first thing I could think of was, OH MY GOD I NEED COFFEE. I was exhausted, but luckily I didn't look too terribly rough like I normally do after getting off of a plane! Mom and I were walking and bam, Starbucks was there. So I naturally stopped. 

I go to the counter and I order a double soy chai. Iced. The girl was all confused about my having to ask for espresso in the chai to begin with, so this lady had clearly not been fully trained on coffee making through Starbucks. I remember my training, it was pretty intense! I tell her she can assume that there are shots in the drink and not charge me for them, I just wanted my damn shots. I like my chais dirty!

So, she writes the order on the cup and passes it off. The woman making my drink seemed capable. She knew what she was doing and she was getting everything together and chatting quietly with her coworker. Everything was peachy keen. They're giggling, they're happy coworkers. She's finished and she hands me my drink. I ask to make sure, because I always do at a new coffee place, that it's soy milk. People overlook the neatly curved 'S' on the cup way too many times, and if I've never been to the shop to build that soy trust, then I ask. 

What does she say? No, I made it nonfat. Um.. excuse me? She stares at me. Looks at the drink.. back at me. Looks me up and down in a very uncomfortable, awkward way. I politely say, I ordered soy. She takes it back and remakes it, and it even though it ended up tasting like complete ass, I got my soy. A few questions come into play here. 

Why did she make it nonfat? There was so clearly an 'S' under the milk preference on the cup. What if I was vegan? Lactose intolerant? The generic milk of choice for Starbucks drinks, if a milk preference isn't given, is 2%, so why the nonfat? Why did she look at me in the questioning, appalled, offended way that she did? 

Now, it doesn't really matter why I ordered soy in the first place, but I'll clear that up for ya'll. I don't like drinking animal milk. Plain and simple. It freaks me out to think that I'd be drinking the breast milk of an animal other than a human. And I like the vanilla taste to the soy milk that Starbucks uses. It's creamier, it's thicker a bit, and it's yummy! It especially makes the chai taste delicious. 

Either way, this woman is making a drink for me. The drink that I specifically asked for. I understand a mistake, I do, but this wasn't just a mistake of forgetting that I asked for soy. This is the mistake of ignoring that I asked for soy and giving me nonfat. If she overlooked my milk preference, she would have just given me 2%, like I said above. She wouldn't reach for the nonfat, it shouldn't even have been in her mind. Or was it?

I'm fat. We all know this. I know this. Anyone who sees me knows this. Did this woman see me and assume I'd want or asked for nonfat? I'm a fat woman and I'm obviously unhappy with the way that I look and I'm on a diet because of that so of course I ordered nonfat, right? Did this woman see me and assume I'd needed nonfat? Did this woman see me, hear my order, and take it upon herself to give me nonfat since I hadn't asked for it? 

The way she reacted really rubbed me the wrong way, and it wasn't just an irritated attitude that I was given. I understand that irritated feeling, because I used to make coffee drinks for people and get frustrated with them needing drinks remade. I get it. But that wasn't what this look was. This was a look of disdain. A look of pure anger. A look of disgust that I'm a fat woman and ordered soy milk instead of the nonfat, and disgust that I may be happy with myself and not trying to cut back on calories or trying to lose weight.

I can't even explain to you all the feeling that this gave me. The rush of thoughts. The rush of blood to my head. Did she really just silently fat-shame me? Even if that wasn't her intention, and it could easily not have been, there was something behind her giving me nonfat. I'm not trying to be paranoid, but either subconsciously or consciously, this woman gave me nonfat for a reason. Like I said, 2% is the norm for Starbucks.

I'd like to end this post by saying that Rohs Street Cafe, another coffee shop, they use soy as the default for their chai drinks. Because they know it tastes good. I've never knowingly experienced this judgement before at any individual, local coffee shop. Only Starbucks. Also, a few friends and I went to Coffee Emporium yesterday and I ordered an iced soy latte. Did the world end? Did cows walk into the shop and moo until the sun came up? Was I attacked by fitness instructors, hoping to morph me into whatever bikini clad woman is on the front of one of those stupid magazines this week? Was I ashamed? Nope. I just got soy in my drink. No nonfat. Nothin' but soy, including no attitude or bad looks. They were actually really very nice. Just something to think about. 

What do you think? Why did she give me nonfat?
xo, cortnie

ps this is my 100th post!

My Realization.. Body Acceptance

Hey ya'll! Hopefully everyone's Monday is shaping up to be great so far! I'm drinking coffee, woke up a little later than I'd planned. I have a nice relaxing day today. I have a phone interview at noon, and then I'll be working on my capstone until Sexy Cincinnati's Queer panel tonight! That should be a blast!

So, my capstone topic has shifted, as research does. I wanted it to be fat. I wanted to blab for 20 pages about fat issues needing to be taught in feminist classes. But. After my research, talking to many friends and classmates, seeing things on tv, reading things in magazines, and well.. just being alive.. it changed. The issue of body image acceptance and love isn't just against fat people. It's everyone. Glamour's June issue has a great article on weight stereotyping, which made me realize that I need to be punching my fists in the air for EVERYONE. Not just myself. We all are privileged and oppressed in different ways, and even though the issue of being fat is stigmatized, thin people face discrimination in different ways. I'm still teetering with just how many ways that thin people are oppressed and how it correlates with fat oppression and fat-shaming, but no matter the numbers, body image issues need to be taught in feminist classrooms. 

We all care about it. You all love my body posts, so I know it's something that people are interested in talking about. I was excluding many many people from my research and from my thoughts by saying that fat feminism needs to be taught.. it isn't just that. It's Body Feminism. Yes, that's very vague and I'm trying to figure out a new label so that I can present it with my research in my paper, but it needs to be body image as a whole, concerning weight of course. It would be a lot to add in ALL body issues, like abilities and disabilities and the like. 

Last night, I found a thin privilege checklist written by some bloggers.  Here are some snippets:

• I can be sure that people aren’t embarrassed to be seen with me because of the size of my body.

• If I pick up a magazine or watch T.V. I will see bodies that look like mine that aren’t being lampooned, desexualized, or used to signify laziness, ignorance, or lack of self-control. (No, but you will see bodies like mine being condemned as ‘ILL’ and ‘SKELETAL’, etc, signifying stupidity, a need to fulfil society’s beauty standards, a lack of independence)

• When I talk about the size of my body I can be certain that few other people will hope they are never the same size.

• I do not have to be afraid that when I talk to my friends or family they will mention the size of my body in a critical manner, or suggest unsolicited diet products and exercise programs.

• I will not be accused of being emotionally troubled or in psychological denial because of the size of my body.

• I can go home from meetings, classes, and conversations and not feel excluded, fearful, attacked, isolated, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped, or feared because of the size of my body.

• I never have to speak for size acceptance as a movement. My thoughts about my body can be my own with no need for political alliance relative to size.

I'm incorporating that in, of course. So yeah. Just wanted everyone to know. I'm more broad in my thoughts now. It isn't just about fatties, even though fatties are still very important because they seem to be more oppressed in life. 

Have any sites or links that could help me in writing my paper? I need some thin oppressions, as a fat woman I'm sure I'm missing some! Throw them in the comments! 

xoxo
CORTNIE