Fat-Shamed @ Starbucks

When mom and I landed back home at the airport on Monday, the first thing I could think of was, OH MY GOD I NEED COFFEE. I was exhausted, but luckily I didn't look too terribly rough like I normally do after getting off of a plane! Mom and I were walking and bam, Starbucks was there. So I naturally stopped. 

I go to the counter and I order a double soy chai. Iced. The girl was all confused about my having to ask for espresso in the chai to begin with, so this lady had clearly not been fully trained on coffee making through Starbucks. I remember my training, it was pretty intense! I tell her she can assume that there are shots in the drink and not charge me for them, I just wanted my damn shots. I like my chais dirty!

So, she writes the order on the cup and passes it off. The woman making my drink seemed capable. She knew what she was doing and she was getting everything together and chatting quietly with her coworker. Everything was peachy keen. They're giggling, they're happy coworkers. She's finished and she hands me my drink. I ask to make sure, because I always do at a new coffee place, that it's soy milk. People overlook the neatly curved 'S' on the cup way too many times, and if I've never been to the shop to build that soy trust, then I ask. 

What does she say? No, I made it nonfat. Um.. excuse me? She stares at me. Looks at the drink.. back at me. Looks me up and down in a very uncomfortable, awkward way. I politely say, I ordered soy. She takes it back and remakes it, and it even though it ended up tasting like complete ass, I got my soy. A few questions come into play here. 

Why did she make it nonfat? There was so clearly an 'S' under the milk preference on the cup. What if I was vegan? Lactose intolerant? The generic milk of choice for Starbucks drinks, if a milk preference isn't given, is 2%, so why the nonfat? Why did she look at me in the questioning, appalled, offended way that she did? 

Now, it doesn't really matter why I ordered soy in the first place, but I'll clear that up for ya'll. I don't like drinking animal milk. Plain and simple. It freaks me out to think that I'd be drinking the breast milk of an animal other than a human. And I like the vanilla taste to the soy milk that Starbucks uses. It's creamier, it's thicker a bit, and it's yummy! It especially makes the chai taste delicious. 

Either way, this woman is making a drink for me. The drink that I specifically asked for. I understand a mistake, I do, but this wasn't just a mistake of forgetting that I asked for soy. This is the mistake of ignoring that I asked for soy and giving me nonfat. If she overlooked my milk preference, she would have just given me 2%, like I said above. She wouldn't reach for the nonfat, it shouldn't even have been in her mind. Or was it?

I'm fat. We all know this. I know this. Anyone who sees me knows this. Did this woman see me and assume I'd want or asked for nonfat? I'm a fat woman and I'm obviously unhappy with the way that I look and I'm on a diet because of that so of course I ordered nonfat, right? Did this woman see me and assume I'd needed nonfat? Did this woman see me, hear my order, and take it upon herself to give me nonfat since I hadn't asked for it? 

The way she reacted really rubbed me the wrong way, and it wasn't just an irritated attitude that I was given. I understand that irritated feeling, because I used to make coffee drinks for people and get frustrated with them needing drinks remade. I get it. But that wasn't what this look was. This was a look of disdain. A look of pure anger. A look of disgust that I'm a fat woman and ordered soy milk instead of the nonfat, and disgust that I may be happy with myself and not trying to cut back on calories or trying to lose weight.

I can't even explain to you all the feeling that this gave me. The rush of thoughts. The rush of blood to my head. Did she really just silently fat-shame me? Even if that wasn't her intention, and it could easily not have been, there was something behind her giving me nonfat. I'm not trying to be paranoid, but either subconsciously or consciously, this woman gave me nonfat for a reason. Like I said, 2% is the norm for Starbucks.

I'd like to end this post by saying that Rohs Street Cafe, another coffee shop, they use soy as the default for their chai drinks. Because they know it tastes good. I've never knowingly experienced this judgement before at any individual, local coffee shop. Only Starbucks. Also, a few friends and I went to Coffee Emporium yesterday and I ordered an iced soy latte. Did the world end? Did cows walk into the shop and moo until the sun came up? Was I attacked by fitness instructors, hoping to morph me into whatever bikini clad woman is on the front of one of those stupid magazines this week? Was I ashamed? Nope. I just got soy in my drink. No nonfat. Nothin' but soy, including no attitude or bad looks. They were actually really very nice. Just something to think about. 

What do you think? Why did she give me nonfat?
xo, cortnie

ps this is my 100th post!

Florida Vacay: Cleaner Eating Venture

So, as you all should know, I just got back from Florida! Debby kind of put a damper on the ass end of our trip, which kinda sucked, but whatevs.

I realized a few things about my body while I was there, I'm not sure if it's because my body was out there in that bikini or not. Who knows? Anyway. I ate cleaner for the majority of the time we were there, unless we went out to eat because that's SUPER hard to do. I didn't drink soda. I tried my best and you know what I found out? I found out that Diet Coke is insanely sugary! I went a few days without it and then I had it one day while we were out and it actually gave me a little bit of a headache. I also was eating more fresh fruit and veggies, even though I am kind of a salad hog anyway. I watched my sodium a lot, and my body just felt better from it all. Then, one day mom and I went out to eat and I had a fried grouper sandwich and french fries. After we ate, mom and I were walking to the car and I suddenly had a panic attack. I hadn't had one in days, so I was surprised, and nothing major was happening.. even though that isn't really the only cause of one. This made me realize that what I eat can be triggering my panic attacks. Maybe too many carbs, sugars, or processed foods? This makes me want to really treat my body right, and then it'll love me back, right? So that is a new goal of mine, and if you're all interested I could post about it. Let me know if you'd like to hear about my new venture/challenge/lifestyle. Mom and I are going shopping Friday! 

On our last Saturday in Florida, mom and I ventured to the island (Anna Maria Island) once again, and got to visit the motel room that my Aunt and Uncle had let us use for the night. The bed was way too small for mom and I, so we didn't stay all night, but we visited! When I say this motel was right on the beach, you all probably think I mean like a hop and a skip away. But when I say this motel was right on the beach.. I mean it was right on the god damn beach! Here are my feetsies!

 And here's a kitty cat friend that I made on the island. He was insanely bred and had awkward colored hair, and the length of his hair was weird, but he was so sweet. He even ran into our room with us! I didn't mind of course, but mom ran him out. Then he was scratchin' at the porch window.. I felt so bad for the baby.

Storm crap. I wish I could dance like a palm tree.

And here's another picture of me in my bikini. Cellulite chunky legs and all.

If you're interested in my journey of clean eating, comment on this post and let me know! I'd love to have a new addition to my posts! Clean eating and nutrition has a lot to do with body love, and many of you lovelies are here for my body love posts, so I figure it all matches.

:)
xo, cortnie

Feminine or Femme? Which label fits you?

How would you label me?

As many of you know by now, I'm in Florida on vacation. I brought some books to read, but am only reading one at the moment, Two Whole Cakes by Lesley Kinzel. It's really a great read, and I recommend it to all of my followers who really enjoy my body positivity posts! Towards the beginning, Lesley talks about the definitions of women, most specifically femininity and femmeness. These labels go right along with the body of woman, but both are very different. 

The idea of femininity is ancient. Truly feminine women are sensitive, soft, culturally beautiful, thin but not too thin, and muscular but not too muscular (or they'll be deemed masculine). They don't take up much space. To be feminine, you are on the search for the perfect man, and you shave every night so you don't have stubbles if you happen to meet him. Check out this website, and try not to puke. 

The idea of femmeness is very different, and I love what Lesley has to say about it. 

Femmeness, however, is interrogated femininity. The main thrust of the idea of femmeness is not a faithful reproduction of the feminine, but is instead a reinvention, reclamation, or ironic performance of it, taking place outside the traditional context of a misogynist world. 

If I had to put a label on myself, and I do it often, I would definitely be femme. I don't qualify as feminine, in the historical concrete definition. I'm not thin. I'm not on the search for a man. I don't have long flowing beautiful hair. I say bad words.. a lot. I speak my mind. I take up too much space because I'm fat. And well, I frankly don't give a fuck. 

The idea of the 'femme' came from the LGBTQ Community, to categorize or place yourself in a specific area in order to find a mate. As Lesley explains, many femmes understand the concept of drag, and embrace it. A flamboyant gay man, for example, is described much of the time as being feminine, but I think that's a mistake. He, instead of being feminine, is femme in my terms of the word, because if I, as a cis-woman, can't even identify as feminine, then how the hell would a cis-man who is gay be able to be labeled as that? Lots of different people can be femme, but not many people can be feminine, and I think that's an important idea to recognize. Femmes can have all of the qualities and characteristics of being feminine, but fight the idea of femininity at the same time.

Now, I don't want everyone thinking I'm sitting around putting labels on everyone I see. This post is really just to differentiate the ideas of feminine and femme. Since I am a die-hard feminist, fight the patriarchy and misogyny everydamnday of my life, and the idea of femininity stems from oppressing women, then there's no possible way that anyone could label me as feminine. And I don't want them to. 

How does the world label you? How do you label yourself? Are you feminine or are you femme? 

xo, cort

Heteronormativity is the Biggest Bully on the Block!

So, I have a question for my fellow queers. You straighties/breeders/'normal' people though, please KEEP reading. 

I need to write about the problems that heteronormativity brings about. You may be wondering, what is heteronormativity, though? Basically, it's the thought that someone is straight because it's the norm, it goes along with heterosexism, and it is the cause for MANY frustrations. I've had people tell me that it isn't a big deal, to just get over it.. and how do these people identify? Straight. Heteronormativity is the reason that gays can't get married, it's the reason that Dancing With the Stars only has opposite gender (whatever that even means) dance partners, it's the reason research studies are very exclusive, and it's the reason that if I'm out of my comfort zone of school and work that I get asked questions like, do you have a boyfriend? Are you married? Girl, why dontcha gimme ya numba cause dat ass is hot?

It's the reason why I get all bent out of shape if someone assumes that I'm straight, even though I make it a point to say that I'm queer and not a lesbian. Why do I get so pissed when someone asks if I'm married, when I could easily fall in love with a dude and marry him? Why do I get so pissed if some guy compliments me and wants me? Why does my blood boil if a straight man gives me a compliment? It's because these people are completely devaluing and degrading the thoughts that I have for women. They aren't important, they don't matter, and they aren't real because of the fact that they aren't recognized! It'd be nice to go somewhere and start a conversation with a stranger and have them ask me if I had a partner. It'd be awful nice to hear that! But we don't hear that because it isn't the norm.

Heteronormativity is one of the reasons why I am constantly coming out of the closet. It's not that I don't like talking about my queerness, because clearly I love it, but when people don't recognize it as a possibility, it feels like it doesn't matter. Which in turn makes me feel like I don't matter. If I feel this way, I can't even imagine how many other people do. This is the reason so many kids are killing themselves. This is the reason why so many people who are queer end up going along with what our culture asks of them and wind up getting married and having kids.. to later come out and be looked down upon because of their 'lie' of a life.

Heteronormativity is the reason behind the stigma that I could be checking out a woman because I'm jealous of her. Women aren't supposed to check other women out, and if they do it's because they either want to look like them or because they are internally condemning them for how they look. Thanks diet companies! Judging. Well, I say fuck that. If I'm checking out a woman, it's not because I'm fat and I'm praying to look like her someday, it's because I think she's fucking hot! It's the reason why if I see a guy and think he's hot and he makes eye contact with me that I look immediately away, in fear of him assuming I want him (which I easily could, there are lots of hot guys) and him assuming I'm straight or something.

I honestly think the ideas behind heterosexism and heteronormativity are stopping me from even thinking about dating a guy. Not to mention that the thought of a penis anywhere close to me makes me want to die. I'm not sure if that point is relevant in this post, but I think it is somewhat connected. I'm in Florida, as many of you know, and my family and I have had conversations.. duh. Well, some of them discredit me. I'm not trying to be all confrontational or sensitive.. but they do! There was a conversation about a woman who was married a handful of times and finally found her soulmate in her last marriage, and it was discussed that this was a great thing. During conversations like this, I literally sit there in fury. I sit there thinking, will I ever have that right in my lifetime? To marry whoever I want in hopes of finding the one? Who knows if that will ever happen for me? That is why heteronormativity is the biggest bully on the block.

I know that people think that gay pride, rainbows, along with the bumper stickers on my car are obnoxious. They think we geeeetttt it, you're gay. You don't have to flounce it around. This goes along with the, okay, you're gay but I don't want to see it idea. How is that fair? I see straight shit everywhere. On the plane down here, I saw couples kissing and hugging and taking cute pictures. I saw people holding hands at the airport. These people were prancing their sexuality in front of me, so why can't I do the same without being worried of getting harassed or beat up? We put it out there because we have to. I put my identity out in the open because I don't want people assuming things about me. I put it out there for the little teenage queers who need my help. I participate in pride because it is literally the one day where I can maybe hold someone's hand and not feel uncomfortable. It's our day to shine. It's our day to be who we are, and not have to hide it for one tiny second. This is probably (unconsciously) why many of my queer friends go out to gay bars every weekend; it's where they can be themselves.

So, there's my bitchfest. There will be more on this soon! I'm outside at Starbucks and I'm hot so I'm going to go back to Mommom's and have a nice nap! I hope you all enjoy your days!

What do you think about heteronormativity and heterosexism? How do they affect you?

xo cortnie
ps, like this post or any of my others? click the pin it button to get it on your pinterest account!

Fat Girl in Florida

Hello everyone! If you've 'liked' my Facebook Page, you'd know that I'm on vacation right now! I'm visiting my grandma and her husband in Bradenton, Florida.. which apparently has been deemed the top retirement area in the country. Yeeeah. So anyway, last night Mommom, Mom, and I had to stop at the drug store to get some things, and I just happened to come across this bullshit product line.

I've heard of the Skinny Girl margaritas and whatnot, but I had no idea that this stupid shit existed. So, naturally, I was pissed. What the hell is up with this? Am I allowed to use these products, being a fatgirl, or am I the target customer for these products, being a fatgirl? They have these beauty products; lip gloss, skin exfoliants, smoothing and firming body lotion, the whole shebang. This is ridiculous.

I ventured over to their website, where you can find diet pills, motivational quotes, among tons of other skinnygirl things. They even have vitamins for their customers, because eating real food to get real vitamins isn't the goal of this company. You're supposed to detox and take diet pills and brush your teeth right after you eat so you won't want to eat again.. and take vitamins to make up for what you're missing out on. Then, I saw this.

"Being naturally thin is a practice." Being naturally thin is a practice?! You don't practice what you naturally are, you just are. I could understand if the quote was something like, "being thin is a practice," because I mean, that makes sense. But being naturally anything isn't a practice, it's just what you are! That's like me saying that my being naturally fat is a practice. It's not a practice, I'm not working towards being fat everyday, stuffing donuts and cheeseburgers in my mouth. I'm just a big woman.

Scoping around their site also proves that in order to be that naturally thin person and practice that lifestyle everyday, you also need to be naturally fucking rich because their products are insanely expensive. This is feeding into the idea that fat people are poor because they're lazy, and rich people are thin because they work hard. Think this has to do with pay inequality between fat and thin people? Ya think? Just a bit? I digress. As you all know, I'm not bashing thin people, I'm just trying to survive in a world that doesn't recognize me as a full person in practically anything.

Since being here, I've felt kind of off with my body. I don't know why, maybe the flight. Maybe the bikini stuff. Maybe the scale that I stepped on when I got to my grandmother's house. I stepped on it and immediately knew that I shouldn't have. I kept thinking, there's no way I've gained almost 50 pounds since August! I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that this scale is super old and outdated, and that I feel better now than I probably ever have. Mentally at least. Physically, my body kind of has been hating me. I've been feeding her bad things, I've not been taking care of her as much as I can. I'm changing that. But, anyway, for as long as I can remember, my grandma has been dieting. She's always either been counting points or keeping a food journal. She has always looked the same to me. Like Mommom.

I had a salad yesterday and put my bowl in the sink to find a Sensa container in the windowsill. All of this shit is super triggering, and just makes me feel blah.

So yeah, I guess my problem here is that this diet-pusher culture is everywhere. It's inescapable. I am a pretty confident person, and it's bringing me down. I guess I'm also crabby because my legs were burnt to a crisp from being at the pool yesterday, and I can't get comfortable in any position that I sit/lay/stand in. Whatever, I'll be crabby.

What do you do when our diet-culture is kicking you in the stomach? When it isn't about health, but about the way that you look?


xoxo
cortnie

I Posted a Picture of Myself in a Bikini and the World Went NUTS!

HELLO LOVERS!

So, today was fucking crazy. For a few reasons, but I'm only talking about one in this post. I posted a picture of my new bikini on the That Cortnie Girl Facebook page today, and shit went craycray! I have to be honest and say that I never expected this amount of feedback from one picture. I can go days, posting blogs, posting pictures, posting statuses on my blog's Facebook page, and I get nothin'. NOTHIN'. So I was not expecting this. AT ALL.

Out of the now 69 comments--teehee, only one, ONE person hated it. But, this person hated my picture so much that she felt the need to continually bully me.. post after post, comment after comment, hateful word after hateful word. I was blamed for killing children in pools, clearing restaurants of it's customers because I eat all of the food, I was told to get gastric bypass, and I was blamed for world hunger. Am I THAT powerful? With all of the power that I apparently have, I wish I could spread the idea of body love to more people. Well, hold on. Wait. I think I did!

So many people were impacted by this picture today. Dozens upon dozens of people were commenting, I was getting notifications on my iPhone every minute. These people were ripping this lonely hateful woman apart, which could be counterproductive, but they were defending me. They were defending my right to be able to be fat and wear a bikini. They were realizing the body love that I was trying to spread, and they were spreading it themselves. Whether these people want to or would prefer to not call themselves fat activists, body positive activists, or whatever.. they were doing it. They were spreading self love. 

So I had two options. I could listen to this woman, what she was saying, and feel like crap about myself. Or.. I could rise above it. I realize that people bully other people because of their own insecurities; it's obviously nothing that I did. I am not going to repeat anything she said because it's very fat shaming and very hurtful.. if you'd like to know you can click the link at the beginning of this post. But, it just shows how much she hates herself. And, I got more people to read my blog, spread body love, and I had so many people telling me how beautiful I am, which is never a bad thing! 

There clearly is more to be said about this, but I'm sleepy and I have a paper to write. Please know this though.. I love you all with all of what my heart has to offer. Keep loving your bodies, and keep ignoring what the haters are saying. I haven't been swimming in nearly 10 years. I haven't worn a bikini for longer than that. I am finally loving my body, and even I have my days of body hate, but we have to.. for ourselves.. LOVE OUR BODIES. It's who we are. 

Until next time, everyone. 

xoxo

CORTNIE

NCCWSL Baltimore/DC Trip: Seatbelt Extenders, Anti-Feminists

I have a lot to talk about from my voyage to the east side of the USA. But right now, I want to share some photos.

My lovely seatbelt extender.

Me with USA's penis.

Quote on Slavery

This amazing lunch at the Natural History Museum

Workshops. Meh.

My home for 4 days.

I straddled Lilly Ledbetter getting to my seat. Yeah.

UMD had these amazing Brita water bottle fill stations! These should be everywhere!

Last night in DC, Union Station

Tiny ass plane.

So yeah, there are some pictures for ya'll. I have a few things that I need to address from the trip.

First of all, DC is amazing. I'd never been there before. We walked and walked and walked, I wish I had turned on the GPS on my MapMyFitness app, just to see how many miles we had walked. Alas, I didn't. Anyway. I can't explain how many cold chills I got thinking about the history of DC. I loved it. I'd love to live in that area someday. It's so busy. Helps me anxiety in a weird way. It's like, I go to shop at the mall, and it's sorta busy, so my anxiety goes crazy. It's like DC was SO busy that my anxiety got so high and looped back around to calm. People with anxiety, you will understand this phenomenon.

Secondly, while three of us went to visit DC, one person from our group stayed for the opening sessions of the conference. We watched Twitter while we were gone, and whoa. The conference had a nice hashtag going, and jesus christ. The things people said. That feminism is sexist and archaic. That women shouldn't be in the front lines in the military because men were born to protect and defend women. Then this picture surfaced on Twitter.

This is more than infuriating. We were in our taxi with Malik at this point, who I fell in love with but that's beside the point. The three of us were so speechless that the words that came out of our mouths probably sounded like jibber jabber. Tasha and I were talking later in our silly dorm room. What did I say? These women wouldn't be in college if it wasn't for the feminists who fought for them. They wouldn't be at an all women's conference if it wasn't for feminism. This left me uncomfortable thinking about the workshops the next day, and brought lots of negativity into my mind. Do I belong around these people?


Thirdly, the airplane seatbelt situation. On this trip, I was on 4 different planes. Talked to 4 flight attendants asking for a seatbelt extender because their seatbelts are not made for me. Two of the attendants were women, and two men (and I can be stereotypical and assuming that they were gay with their cute little lisps). The women were very secretive with the seatbelts, whispering and hiding the extender when they gave it to me. As if I was or should have been embarrassed that their seatbelts didn't fit me. It made me feel stupid, it made me feel unwanted on the plane, which many fat people already feel before even getting to the airport. The men? The complete opposite. They weren't whispering, they were happy to give me them, they didn't think it was embarrassing and they were friendly to me. There's something there, I just can't put a finger on it.

So yeah, there ya go. Let me know what you think in the comments!


xoxo
CORTNIE

Ladies, You're Fat Because You're Not Doing Housework

Jezebel posted about this new study that claims women are fat because they aren't housewives anymore. Back in the 24 inch average waist days, women ate around 1,800 calories, compared to our current 34 inch average waisted woman eating around 2,200 calories. This study says that during house chores, women would burn about 1,000 calories a day. WHAT!?

I'm sorry but can we backpedal a bit? It's not like every household out there has hired help to clean for them.. so who's doing the household work, like dishes, laundry, and taking care of kids? Most likely, and most commonly women. This isn't a new concept, is it? Are Women's Studies students.. and well, working mothers, the only ones who realize this CRAZY phenomenon of women having the second shift, double burden, whatever your pretty face would like to call it?

Instead of having a misogynistic study claiming that only women are fat because they don't stay at home all day anymore, lets look at the actual probable causes of fatness of EVERYONE in our world today, NOT just women. When living in a diet-culture, people (mostly women) are brainwashed into thinking they have to be thin, and that that's the only means of beauty. They yoyo diet, which is proven to cause you to weigh more in the long run. They eat low-fat, diet, fat-free crap that isn't even damn food.

We have a shit ton of chemicals in our foods. Many of our meats aren't even real meat. Food is more and more expensive, while the poorer keep getting more and more poor. Fast food is cheaper than healthy food. Fast food joints are everywhere, and are.. well, fast. Not to mention the fact that jobs are overbearing and many families don't have time to cook a nice, healthy dinner. Capitalism makes it so the richer people end up with the better food, most likely grown by the lower class people.. I could go on and on.

What do ya'll think? Tell me in the comments!

xoxo
CORTNIE

We Have a Gay Situation Here, Folks

This dude wants all of the gays to go inside huge electrical fences and drop food to us, in order to get away from the disgust that we bring him. This man is a pastor, this man is 'speaking' God's words. Well my God would never do that. She loves everyone. Even you, ya crazy bitch.

Also, do you know how many of the homos, aka sinners, aka homoseckshules can do incredible things, like getting out of an electrifying fence situation? I stunted in cheerleading, I know gays that go out and get drunk every weekend while running businesses and working full times jobs while going to school, I know some gays that tumble and could just fly on over that damn fence. I know some butch lesbians who could totally handle some shocking situations, if you know what I mean, okay?

In a few years, they’ll die out… do you know why? They can’t reproduce!

We live and we let live. This fucker wants all of the gays to die. He's probably taken to a glory hole or two along with some foot tapping in some bathroom. I don't see gays raging outside in hopes of getting these assholes in concentration like camps. I don't see my community wanting to kill people. I don't see my community bolstering HATE.

Beth does not approve.

xoxo
CORTNIE

I Made an Appointment at the Gym & SURPRISE, I Was Fat-Shamed

Just because I search Google Images for big women working out and get only thin women working out doesn't mean that it shouldn't or can't happen. I tried to find a picture to go along with this post, but they were all super fit women on ellipticals and treadmills, and that's triggering to me, so I'm not posting any images with this post. 

So, I just got off of the phone with the gym. In 2009 I signed up for a three year membership at this fitness club, we'll call it.. Work Ya Booty. I haven't used it since probably August of 2009, so I called to make sure it wasn't expired yet. The woman starts explaining to me that it isn't expired, immediately goes into trying to get me to sign up for another year right now over the phone for just 100 something dollars or I can go month to month for $15, and then says they completely remodeled. I follow their page on Facebook, so I already knew that. 

I asked if I could schedule an appointment to look around, see the new equipment and learn about it so I don't look like a damn idiot walking in there. We make one for tomorrow. I'm excited at this point. I don't have to worry about some dilwad using the fitness room in my apartment complex anymore? Sign me right up, right now. (Check out my Tumblr posts about my fitness journey, including that dilwad here) We're getting off the phone and she says something along the lines of, "we're going to get you fit for this summer. We'll weigh you in tomorrow and then we'll get you to lose weight and feel better." 

I don't know what to think about this, but it made me uncomfortable. This immediately makes me think that this woman who is showing me around tomorrow is going to fat-shame me and make me feel inferior. I want to be healthier, but that doesn't necessarily mean just losing weight for me. Sure, it could help, but that's what we're told to think. If my joints are uncomfortable it's because I'm overweight. If I'm sluggish or tired, I should lose weight. If it's summer, I'm obviously going to be jealous of all of the bikini clad women.. I should lose weight. I don't know how to feel about this. 

I'm going to stay positive though, and go in there spouting my I love my body stuff and I'm going to dominate. I'm doing this to feel better about myself, get that kick in my step, and I'm doing this to be healthier. Not necessarily to lose weight. I don't want to go into this place and the trainer to see me and make a project out of me. I don't want to step on that scale tomorrow and have her show me BMI stats and tell me where it is that I should be on the weight scale. I don't need that shit because it'll just make me feel like an idiot. Without even SEEING me, this woman fat-shamed me. Guh.

xo, cortnie

My Realization.. Body Acceptance

Hey ya'll! Hopefully everyone's Monday is shaping up to be great so far! I'm drinking coffee, woke up a little later than I'd planned. I have a nice relaxing day today. I have a phone interview at noon, and then I'll be working on my capstone until Sexy Cincinnati's Queer panel tonight! That should be a blast!

So, my capstone topic has shifted, as research does. I wanted it to be fat. I wanted to blab for 20 pages about fat issues needing to be taught in feminist classes. But. After my research, talking to many friends and classmates, seeing things on tv, reading things in magazines, and well.. just being alive.. it changed. The issue of body image acceptance and love isn't just against fat people. It's everyone. Glamour's June issue has a great article on weight stereotyping, which made me realize that I need to be punching my fists in the air for EVERYONE. Not just myself. We all are privileged and oppressed in different ways, and even though the issue of being fat is stigmatized, thin people face discrimination in different ways. I'm still teetering with just how many ways that thin people are oppressed and how it correlates with fat oppression and fat-shaming, but no matter the numbers, body image issues need to be taught in feminist classrooms. 

We all care about it. You all love my body posts, so I know it's something that people are interested in talking about. I was excluding many many people from my research and from my thoughts by saying that fat feminism needs to be taught.. it isn't just that. It's Body Feminism. Yes, that's very vague and I'm trying to figure out a new label so that I can present it with my research in my paper, but it needs to be body image as a whole, concerning weight of course. It would be a lot to add in ALL body issues, like abilities and disabilities and the like. 

Last night, I found a thin privilege checklist written by some bloggers.  Here are some snippets:

• I can be sure that people aren’t embarrassed to be seen with me because of the size of my body.

• If I pick up a magazine or watch T.V. I will see bodies that look like mine that aren’t being lampooned, desexualized, or used to signify laziness, ignorance, or lack of self-control. (No, but you will see bodies like mine being condemned as ‘ILL’ and ‘SKELETAL’, etc, signifying stupidity, a need to fulfil society’s beauty standards, a lack of independence)

• When I talk about the size of my body I can be certain that few other people will hope they are never the same size.

• I do not have to be afraid that when I talk to my friends or family they will mention the size of my body in a critical manner, or suggest unsolicited diet products and exercise programs.

• I will not be accused of being emotionally troubled or in psychological denial because of the size of my body.

• I can go home from meetings, classes, and conversations and not feel excluded, fearful, attacked, isolated, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped, or feared because of the size of my body.

• I never have to speak for size acceptance as a movement. My thoughts about my body can be my own with no need for political alliance relative to size.

I'm incorporating that in, of course. So yeah. Just wanted everyone to know. I'm more broad in my thoughts now. It isn't just about fatties, even though fatties are still very important because they seem to be more oppressed in life. 

Have any sites or links that could help me in writing my paper? I need some thin oppressions, as a fat woman I'm sure I'm missing some! Throw them in the comments! 

xoxo
CORTNIE

Objects of my Affection

Just some stuff for my readers on a beautiful Saturday evening. 

I took this picture on my balcony today. Sometimes flowers know what I'm feeling.

I want to do this!

This looks like my tattoo. :)

I love this gif I made with the GifBoom app.

This, but of course.

Best new show, Veep. It's on HBO but I'm sure episodes are online somewhere.

So that's all everyone. If you like these posts, you should check out my Tumblr! I'm constantly reblogging stuff, and I just started a new project on there! I'm actually going to do this working out thing (oh my god, have I worked out twice this week?) and I'm blogging each day on there. I don't want to clog up this blog with my daily posts, but I will keep everyone updated maybe weekly or biweekly about how this fat girl is doing with this new active, healthy lifestyle! 

k, that's all.

xoxo
CORTNIE

My Fat Girl Fear of the Gym

Hello, lovelies! 

I hope everyone is having a great day today, I'm off so what does that mean? School work! What a weird day here in Cincinnati. It's sunny, but I'm chilly. I keep shivering and getting goosebumps, weird. Anyway, I need to get a few things off of my chest. I woke up thinking about my Sunday walk and how great I felt after doing it, and how I haven't done it since then. I felt so amazing! I felt like I was on top of the world! I felt like I truly loved myself because I was taking care of myself. 

Okay, here's the thing. I'm terrified. I spend all of this time researching information on health and fitness and gyms.. while I pay for this amazing and award winning rec center out of tuition each quarter. I'm clearly pushing things away. So that I don't have to face it. I'm afraid of looking like an idiot. I'm afraid of becoming obsessive, becoming crazy. I'm terrified of getting my eating disorder back down to not eating at all. I'm scared of not being good enough.

Here's the other thing. The rec center on campus scares the shit out of me. I don't want to walk in there and have these bombshell women assume that I'm just another fat girl working out so that I can look like them. I don't want people to think that I don't like myself. Love myself. Obviously we all have our negative days, but yeah. I don't want to walk around, having people giving me sympathetic eyes. I don't want these people to think that they can teach me shit that I don't already know. I don't want them thinking that my fat is an illness. I don't want to look like them. I want to look like me.

I don't want to get a tour of the rec center, in secret hopes of only wanting to see the elliptical, and have the tour guide take me up and down and up and down flights of impossible stairs. I'd walk right out and say, okay... DONE! I'm not ready for that. 

I'm scared.

xo, cortnie

Dear President Obama, THANK YOU

Dear Obama, 

According to ABC News, you are the first president of our amazing United States to say that you support same-sex marriage. Today in LGBT Seminar, I received a text from HRC giving me the breaking news. Cold chills sprang through my body from my toes all of the way up to my ears. During the break of our two and a half hour class, the majority of the class stayed in the room to watch the video of his interview, instead of going to the bathroom or to smoke. Many of us were speechless and amazed. Many of us looked at each other with tears in our eyes.

YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING. I have to be honest, I've doubted you. I've had discussions with friends about how you are pretty moderate as a president. I've said that I'd rather have Hillary Clinton as president. I understand this topic is tough, I get it. But what our country doesn't understand is that you SHOULDN'T be VOTING on human rights. It's insane!

Thank you for all of your hard work. Thank you for admitting your weaknesses in assuming that civil unions were enough for gay people. Thank you for realizing that they aren't enough. Thank you for being amazing.

You will go down in history as the president who cared. You will be applauded 100 years from now for being the president who supported my friends, myself, my professors, my co-workers, the people I walk by on the street, the people who give me the thumbs-up on my bumper stickers. YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED AS AN AMAZING MAN.

Thank you for caring for women. Thank you for caring for students. Thank you for caring for the people who can't care for themselves. Thank you for caring for the LGBT community.

You have my vote.

xoxo
CORTNIE

May Goals

Okay, so I had some goals for April and they kind of went to shit. I am making fewer goals this month and I'm sticking to them!

Goals for the month of April:
-  Smoke less
- Come up with awesome photoblog idea.
- Spend less time with my face in my iPhone // most specifically while driving- Do homework on time and efficiently
- Have painted nails at all times, no chippies! Makes for a happy Cortnie.
- Do some sort of activity that makes me feel better and more energized. Maybe an elliptical or treadmill one day, maybe a brisk walk another day, and cleaning another day. Just do something!
- Eat smaller portions, don't stuff my face to the point of feeling sick. I'm bad at this and really need to improve myself in this area.
- Think critically about what is being posted online, whether it's a law about abortion rights or a murder case. Actually think about what I'm seeing on the television or on the computer and critic it. Analyze it.- Have fun, go out, meet new people. Enjoy myself. I don't want my anxiety holding me back anymore.

Okay, so there's that. Here's May.

Goals for the Month of May:

- Smoke less.
- Keep up with no texting while driving.
- Do any&everything to meet deadlines for work and school.
- Be more active. (Start a Beginners Walking Program. At first I thought that the information at the link was too easy for me, but since I am a beginner, I'm going to do what they say. Maybe this way then I won't get burnt out, right? Basically, it calls for walking 3 times a week, starting at 15 minutes the first week increasing by 2-3 minutes a week. The other workout is a little more intense and calls for up to 5 times a week, so once I do the beginners I will continue onto that if I'm not dead.)
- Eat healthier foods. (I'm leaving this one bland because I don't want to limit myself. Even though I turned down Outback tonight!) DON'T EAT DINNER SO LATE
- Love myself, respect myself, know what I deserve in life, and most of all SAY ONE GOOD THING ABOUT MYSELF EVERY DAY. (this is more necessary than I can imagine)

So there it is. That's what I want to do. I want to feel healthier, and I've been feeling sluggish since I've moved in with mom for many reasons, but the main one is eating dinner so late at night. If circumstances arise, I'll eat a salad or cereal or something. I just want to feel better, healthier, and able to leisurely walk on campus without sweating. My clothes are also starting to become uncomfortable, and even though I'm not doing this healthy lifestyle stuff to necessarily lose weight, I imagine that being an outcome if I stick to it. Which is fine. I like my body, but I want to move closer to loving my body all of the time, and in order to do that I need to treat it like the goddess that it is!

I need ya'll to keep me accountable!

xoxo
CORTNIE

Cinco de Mayo: Racist Sombreros?

So today my friends lured me out of my hermit homebody state and took me to Don Pablo's to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. They surprised me with a beautiful sombrero, and I was the most excited Cortnie! But.. We get to the restaurant and I suddenly felt.. inappropriate? I didn't even know what the point of the holiday was, so I decided to search. Google-y, google-y, goo. Thanks to Wikipedia, I have this:

The date is observed in the United States as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride, and to commemorate the cause of freedom and democracy during the first years of the American Civil War.

Okay. I now don't feel so horrible knowing that Americans celebrate it, but.. Why are we prancing around in Mexican garb, eating Mexican food, drinking Mexican drinks, and listening to Spanish music? The most important question, I think, is why did I feel bad about the sombrero? Is it because I've recognized my white privilege? What do y'all think? Do you feel odd or weird celebrating the holiday of another culture? Why do you think that is.. Or isn't?

Either way, I think it's important to discuss these uncomfortable feelings; in my group of four friends, two of us felt odd and two said it wasn't a big deal. We're all white. Two men, two women. Three queers, one straight. The two of us that felt weird included myself and my old gay roomie. What do you think?

I leave you with this picture of my amazing Lotsarita.

And before I forget, if some of you didn't know, I got a tattoo Monday. It hurts like hell still but it's slowly healing. It's in that nasty peel stage now. I got it on my sister's birthday (she died in 1999) and it's important to me because her favorite flower was a yellow rose. I got two red ones, but I plan on having a sleeve garden eventually. Ow is all that I have to say about that.

Love you all dearly,
CORTNIE

ps, don't forget to like my Facebook page! Linkage to the left!