Wednesday, August 8

You Are Not a Number.

I'm here to let everyone know one simple thing. You are not a number. I used to believe that I was a measly collection of different numbers--I still sometimes go back to that sad, depressing place, but I am here to say.. you are more than that.
My loves, you are so much more than useless numbers. It seems that everything in our society has a grading scale, or a number attached to it. Maybe it's to categorize us as citizens, or maybe it's to make us feel like complete shit. Either way, we have to combat these numbers.

You are not the amount of debt that you have, try your hardest not to let it weigh you down. You are not your credit score. No matter the hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that you have, you are not that debt. What do you think of when you think of debt? I think of the classic elementary number line, and I think of negative numbers. Do not place yourself down in the negatives. You may owe money, yes, but that is not all that you are. You are the education that you received from that money, you are the cute clothes and the cute shoes you may have gotten on that Capital One card on a day when you needed to feel happy.

You are not the number on the scale. You are not the technical, scientific weight of what gravity makes of you. You may want a scale for health reasons, that's totally fine and it's your prerogative, but try not to let it get out of hand. Don't look at that number and listen to the media and consider that as your worth. Do not look at that number and think it's too big and consider yourself worthless. Do not look at that number and think it's too small and consider yourself as less than. Your body lets you live everyday, don't belittle it by making its worth a simple number.

You are not the height that you carry. You are not the ruler. You are perfect. It doesn't matter if you're so tall that you have to look down at all of your friends. It doesn't matter if you're so short that you have to look up to the world. It is not your wrongdoing that the world was not made with you in mind. You are not that discretion, and that is not your inadequacy--you are not flawed.

You are not your sexual partner number. You should not feel forced to either have sex in order to increase that number, or not have sex to try and plateau or make up for having too many partners. You are your pleasure, you are your agency, you are your sensitive skin, and you are your shivers--whether that's with a partner or not. You are not a number.

I usually have to repeat to myself that I am not a mere number. I have to tell myself that no matter how fat I am, no matter how big my tits are, no matter how chunky my short legs are, no matter how much student loan debt that I have, no matter much that scale tells me that I weigh, that I am not a number. You take it for what it is, and you swipe it off of your shoulders. I know that it's hard.

It's hard for me to step on the scale and see the number that I see. Sometimes I get sad about it, and starve myself all day, just to come home and stuff myself with dinner. I am not that number. I am my breasts. I am my soft skin. I am my mop-like hair that desperately needs colored. It's also hard for me to see how much student debt that I have, and it's hard for me to look at my monthly bills when my salary isn't even enough to pay them. But in 20 years will I be so bad off? Lets hope not.

We have to rise up and we have to love ourselves. We are not a stupid collection of numbers. We are people. We have to stop comparing ourselves to everyone else. We have to stop dieting and start living. Instead of hating yourself for having that footlong sub, or that ice cream.. give yourself some love! Why do we treat ourselves so badly?! We have to stop, and I'm as much to blame as any of you could be.

Who's with me? Lets take a stand. Lets not measure our worth with numbers.

cort xo

Friday, August 3

Dear People-Who-Keep-Fat-Shaming-Chick-Fil-A-ers,

Dear People-Who-Keep-Fat-Shaming-Chick-Fil-A-ers,

Really? Is that necessary? Yes, it is a little ridiculous that the way people in this country can be activists in this SPECIFIC situation is through chicken, but really?! What's the difference between them getting a chicken sandwich value meal and you going to any other place on that day in protest of Chick-Fil-A and getting a chicken sandwich value meal? This horrible outcry against marriage equality and gay rights in general is NOT ABOUT CHICKEN. It just so happens that it started because of the notorious interview with a guy who owns the restaurant, so of course.. it's where? At the restaurant.

So, please stop. You're making us look bad. I'm fat and I'm not eating chicken sandwiches. And on Wednesday, I actually went to a fast food chain and got a salad! It doesn't matter what people are eating, they have every right to eat what they want, whether it's in the name of activism or not. What about a few weeks or a month or however so ago when these people were boycotting Oreo's when the company released the rainbow stuffed cookie picture and we were all, "I'm going to buy as many Oreo's as possible!", "I'm better than you!", "Yee-haw!"? They could have said (and probably did say something) about how lavish the gays were.

Now you're saying that these people can go for an appreciation day at the restaurant and that it's fine because when you are equally married they'll just end up sitting at home with Type 2 Diabetes? REALLY?! That's so damn rude, and discredits the illness, along with people who have it. YES, I agree, closed-mindedness and ignorance is shown when these people support a restaurant that hates us as a community, but it DOES NOT show that all fat people are bigots and hate the gays.

So please stop. I don't appreciate the fat-shame, because, well, I'm FUCKING FAT. And I'm a big old damn queer and I'm not eating chicken sandwiches but guess what? I'm still FUCKING FAT.

Sincerely Your's,
Cortnie xo

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Monday, July 30

Secret Camera Roll + Things To Look Forward To

Life has been relaxing and calm. Here are some pictures for you.
My hair was reaching new heights today.
Saw this at Goodwill.  
Organized my closet!

Mom and I visited my sister's plot today.
Had a cookout and bonfire with friends this past weekend. So fun.
Woke up and liked my legs.  
Pink is my favorite highlighter. ;)
That's mom's 50 book, by the way.
So there ya go.

I've been planning out a new blogging schedule with topics such as:
  • Tumblr Titillates- where I'd post funny things + important things from Tumblr
  • A Day in the Life- ... a day in my life. :)
  • Dear ____ - where I'd write a letter to someone who needs a talkin' to.
  • Natural Needs- Adventures in nature.
  • Cookie Rookie/Cook Rook(ie)- where I FINALLY start cooking.
  • Body <3- body positivity + adventures in my new lifestyle change.
  • Wishful Words- goals, successes, things like that.
  • Thirst for Thrift- thrift store adventures with clothing
  • Marv Mode/Fatshion- I want to do more fattie clothes posts. 
Just wanted ya'll to know what I've been thinking about. :)

cort xo

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Thursday, July 26

I'm Tired of Waiting.

I'm so damn tired of waiting for something better to happen. I'm tired of sitting on my ass, typing away at my blog, hoping for a change in myself. I'm making this change. It's exhausting and pointless to continue to hope for something better, but do nothing to change it. I love myself. But I need control and I need change. We all are always waiting for something. Whether it's to get into a bathing suit (when you could easily just put one on), waiting for a better job to come along, waiting for a better partner to come along, or in my case, waiting to love myself fully. Well, it isn't just going to happen. 

I love myself, I do a lot, but I need to take better care of myself. And here I am, doing that. No waiting. I'm in love with who I am. I'm in love with myself. That is why I am eating healthier foods, and being more active in hopes of being healthier. But, I need to lose weight. Not because of what anyone is telling me, and not because of things that I see, but because my body hurts. I'm jaded in this thought that I'm completely happy with myself. I believe that all bodies are beautiful, and that if someone is happy with themselves and other people say that they are fat or ugly, that's bullshit. But, I'm not completely satisfied with myself. I can do better for myself. So, I'm working towards that goal of being healthier, and losing some weight so that I can be more comfortable, because it's what my body needs. I don't want to be out of breath when I walk to class. I don't want to be that person. My body is exhausted. I'm tired of saying I'm okay with myself when I'm not completely okay with myself. Fuck that. I need to be honest with myself. I'm too young to feel so old.

None of my prior posts are lies. I swear that.
We are all beautiful creatures. I just want to be a happier Cortnie.

cort x

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Monday, July 23

Sexual Assault Survivors Have Voices, Ya Know!

Before I start the post for today, I wanted to let everyone know about my new Jux page! I'm posting pictures on there that I'm not posting anywhere else, so if you wanna creep a bit on me, I give you my full consent!


I hope that everyone has heard about Savannah Dietrich, and if you haven't, I'll blab a bit about her. In very simple terms here's what happened.

  • Savannah was sexually assaulted. 
  • She and the apparently two boys who assaulted her went to juvenile court. 
  • She was not satisfied with what sentence they received. (Understandably) 
  • She went to Twitter & Facebook and said what had happened, including their names. 
  • Apparently the judge didn't want anyone discussing the case. 
  • They were going to hold her in contempt. 
  • A petition helped to make that not happen. 
  • PS, the boys took pictures of the assault and shared them with friends. 

Okay, there you go. This made me think about lots of things. 

First of all, what's with the silencing of the case? I realize that they were all juveniles, but that doesn't change the fact that this girl's life will be forever scarred from what these boys did to her, while they were just having fun taking pictures and hurting her. And, as the petition helped point out, she had every right to say who hurt her, and I'm assuming she felt very empowered from it. So many survivors have come out saying that Savannah is a heroine for them. Get it, girl!

It also made me think about what I'd do if this happened to me. I've never been attacked. I've never had to deal with that. The most that has happened to me is an ass grab, where I turned around and slapped the asshole. I could not even begin to imagine how my life would feel if someone took what was most precious to me. I have friends who have been raped or molested, and I look up to them so so much. I could not imagine. It makes me so sad. Anyway, to spare you from my awkward I-don't-know-what-to-say-right-now section of this post, lets move on. 

Would I post the names of people online? FUCK YES. If I found out the names of my offender(s), fuck yes I would post them. This needs to happen more often, anyway. It's so hush hush; we are socialized to not talk about these things. I say fuck that. I would. Just how on my personal Facebook page I warned women on my campus about going to the Subway because of a creep in there. We have to watch out for each other, whatever the gender. If I could save someone else from getting assaulted, and if that meant that I needed to type out someone's name online, you better believe that I would do just that. 

So what would you do? Have you ever thought about it? 
xo, cortnie
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