Wednesday, April 25

Bumper Stickers & Gay Love & Stuff

This past Monday, I went to Starbucks in Florence, KY with a friend. I had a fabulous time sitting there talking about everything under the sun, as friends do on coffee dates. But, I got a little depressed when we were leaving. I looked out the car window. That’s really all I did. I looked out this car window and saw a bumper sticker on someone’s car. I’m one to never ignore a bumper sticker; my first car, Zelda, was covered in them, making its opinion well known to other drivers.. 

I always love to stir up controversy. So, anyway, I look over at this bumper sticker. It’s blue—a calming, light blue color. Welcoming, yes? I look a little closer, which I shouldn’t have done, and see this “WE SUPPORT THE MARRIAGE AMENDMENT” crap and then a cartoon man in a tux, a plus sign, a cartoon woman in a wedding dress, an equal sign, and alas, the man and woman and two kids grouped together along with a nice big red heart. The heart is what really hurt me. 

How much hate can one bumper sticker give off? We probably don’t really think about it, but there’s a lot that goes behind a bumper sticker. My old ones included, “pro-choice,” “proud to be a liberal,” “caution: queers on board,” and the classic Obama/Biden sticker. What did people think when they saw mine? Baby-killer? Loud brainwashed liberal? Sinner? So, what did I think when I looked at this specific bumper sticker? I thought of hate. I thought of this person, along with many others, not recognizing me as a full person. I thought of how our government says it is separate from religion, while controlling a religious tradition—marriage. I thought of how two of my very best friends have been together for two years, and if they decided that they wanted to get married.. they wouldn’t be able to. I thought of how if I were to be in a relationship, it wouldn’t necessarily be for NOTHING, but it wouldn’t be recognized as love from my country. It made me think of how I’m trying to better our country but my peers and I continue to be pushed back. 

Then, I noticed a couple (heterosexual as far as I could tell) kissing each other goodbye. I undoubtedly became even more depressed. I can’t do those sorts of things without getting stared at. I'd have to look around, be comfortable in my surroundings, and make sure no one could see us. It’s sad. It’s sad that I'd have to hide my love for someone, that I can’t scream about it in the middle of the city without fear of bullying words, or even worse.. Physical assault. You never know, you know? It’s scary out here for a queer.

Just wanted to regurgitate some of my depressing words onto all of you! Hope you all like them!



Monday, April 23

Busy Cortnie

The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult. Now tell me that’s not royally fucked up.
Jessica Valenti
Sorry I've been delayed in posting, everyone! Last week was crazy with work, life, school, and activism! On Wednesday, our new student group at UC, Students Against Victim Blaming, held Cincinnati's first ever Slutwalk! It was a blast, wish it'd been longer but I would have been a sun-roasted tomato by then. Here are some pictures!
It was a damn fun day! In other news, I found out that I can apply for a special grad school program through my major, exciting! People are all confused as to why I'm excited that I can apply, well let me explain! The program I've been granted permission to apply to is fairly new, so you're supposed to say that you want to do it in your junior year. Here I am about to graduate. Haha. So if I get in, I could be graduating about a year from now with my thesis and my masters, opposed to graduating in THREE damn years! This has to happen!
I think that's all for now. I need to bathe and I desperately need to write for my capstone. I'm a bit intimidated, so I've been putting it off. Ahhh.
Ps. I've been accepted by The Conversation (a new Lifetime show) to be a guest contributor on their website! I wrote about fat acceptance and body acceptance, naturally. I'll link you all to it once it's posted!

Tuesday, April 17

Monday, April 16

Remember to follow me on Tumblr!

I update a lot with reblogs, and sometimes even posts of my own that I do not put on this page!
Follow me here!

Sunday, April 15

Fat People Working Out

How do you feel when you see a fattie working out? What are your first thoughts? That they're doing it to lose weight? That you hope they are okay? Are you happy that they're getting "healthy?"

Well, last week I started working out. Maybe it is to lose a little of the extra weight I've gained from moving in with mom and actually having hearty meals to eat, but it isn't to try to be some weight that would never happen. No unrealistic expectations here. I think that's the main flaw whenever someone starts working out. They want to look like Jennifer Anniston. They want to have flat abs and they want to walk without their thighs touching. Well, that's not my goal, but it used to be. Pretty dreamy, huh?

I wanted to start some sort of activity because I feel like a lazy ass. Yeah, I walk on campus and stuff but eh, that's not really exercise. I reminisced to when I used to work out and that high I'd get afterwards. I missed that, well I still do! Which is why I decided that I am going to be active.
Buuuuut, I had a minor setback. Last Sunday, I was going to lay down for a nap and I jumped out of bed and said, no! I'm going to go get on the treadmill in the fitness center! And I did. I was so motivated. I got my new shoes on. My sports bra was cuddling my breasts in. I had on old leggings. I was ready. The walk up the stairs seemed like horror, I wanted to walk right back down them and go sit down. But I didn't. It was so hard getting up those steps and I'm not going to let that be my life. So I'm walking down the hall, iPhone and earbuds in one hand, towel and water in the other. My heart was beating fast and I was already sweating. Nervous. Heart beat. Bum bum. Bum bum. Hard.

I got in the room. I saw a lone treadmill and elliptical, both of which seemed miles away from me. I got on that treadmill and I just started walking. I turned on pandora and I listened to Rihanna and Gaga and I was set. But then, I got a little too motivated. I started jogging. Turned the speed up to 4-5 and went for it. Then, I noticed my thighs hurting. I figured it was because, well, they rub together. Then, I realized it was because my old, worn out leggings had holes in the right thigh. I didn't care, I liked this feeling. This rush of a hard heart beat and sweat. My feet on the treadmill. I was proud of myself. I did my thing for 32 minutes and went down to the apartment.

My thigh was a raw, bloody mess. My skin must have peeped out of my leggings and rubbed on my other thigh. It hurt like damn hell. The absolute worst case of chafing I'd ever ever had. An all day King's Island trip had nothin' on this damn treadmill. I was absolutely miserable.

The next day I woke up and wanted to do something, but my leg hurt so so bad I was scared. I found a seated cardio workout, assuming it was made for people who'd recently had hip replacements done, I thought it'd be cake. I did it. It was hard! Then I did a butt blaster thing and by god, the next day I was sore as fuck.

The rest of the week I was letting my poor thigh heal, and it just did this weekend. (if you saw me walking weird this week, that's why)

So, I'm a fat girl working out. I'm not working out to lose the 150 or so pounds that stupid charts tell me, I'm just working out to feel better. Mom and I were talking earlier about doing it together, going to the gym and getting in our half an hour. I don't want to over exert myself. I get burnt out quickly and I don't want that.

So, to keep myself dedicated I am dedicating a day of each week to blogging about my weekly work out experience. It could be about my body and how it feels, or maybe a post would be about the gym power dynamic. Whatever it is, I feel like its important to give the fat perspective on gyms. I'm dedicating just one day a week because I started back up on the old obsession train, and I will have none of that.

That's all folks!

Sexologist Jill McDevitt: What a Damn Cool Career

Happy Sunday, y'all! Hope it's a great one for everyone!

Here I am relaxing..again.. Looking through websites, books, and blogs while listening to podcasts on fat feminism. Then.. I remembered that my long distance sex friend Jill has a new reality show on YouTube!

I don't quite remember how I found Jill, but I do know it was online while I was at work at the women's center. I was looking at sex people that could come and talk to students on campus, and Jill was the one sexologists (out of the people I found, she was like, the only actual, for real sexologist) who stood out to me. I'm slowly but surely reading her damn awesome book, Fighting the Crusade Against Sex. I'd love to drop everything and drive up to Pennsylvania and meet her for real!

The reasoning behind this post though, is to let all of you know about Jill's amazing new show. There are two episodes, both of them are less than 10 minutes and you all will love them. She talks about trying to get a vanity plate for her car, Plan B, protesters, hysteria and so so much more! She also has her sex shop, blog, and website all linked through her YouTube account! Definitely check it out! Here's the promo, check out her first two episodes!


Saturday, April 14

Quiet Saturday Nights + Letter to my Readers

You know, I forget what it was like going our every damn weekend- and I'm glad. I remember how much money I wasted, how I'd feel like shit the next day, how I'd get all sweaty and worried about people seeing it, I remember being drunk and getting lost. I do remember the good times, duh. I always had fun going out.. Seeing people and everything you know. But, I don't know if it's because school got so intense this year, or because I moved in with mom, but I just don't feel like it anymore. I feel like I'm separating from my friends, which completely sucks. I hate it when I'm with them listening to stories that I don't know.. And it's my fault. I'm not blaming anyone. I just wish it wasn't just all drinking. It's boring to me now. Maybe once I graduate and don't have a job I'll think differently. Haha. Have any of you experienced this disconnect?

Anyway, I bought an iPad, y'all!

It's so fun and I'm downloading so many apps it's absolutely ridiculous. I downloaded paper to write on.
So, here you go. Hope you all have a great night.

Friday, April 13

Podcast - Fat Issues

This is my first podcast, so I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.
I've been working on this for hours.


Ps. Fuck this. Blogging and vlogging are way easier!

pps. I think I figured it out!

iTunes is another story and day of hell, but here's a player for my podcast!

Thursday, April 12

My Week in Pictures

Sitting on campus waiting for class to start.

Yummy Aglamesis on a hot day.

Jay helped me plant my little Target pots and look at them growing!

I found my soulmate at Petsmart

I washed my car this week! It's spotless!

I'm not sure what to caption this. My Cheeto is going through a tough time.
He's afraid of mom's cat who chases him everywhere, and now he's started
pooping/peeing on the carpet. My little boy is an old man now, and I don't
know what to do. Economically, we can't fix him if something is wrong,
he isn't living much of a life hiding in the closet or under the cabinets, and
it isn't great to have an apartment with a cat that isn't going in the litter box.
I'm done typing about it because I will definitely cry. My first cat. 

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.


Wednesday, April 11

Jesse Fox: Artist Spotlight

So, I have this lady friend, Jesse Fox, who is AWESOME.

She's a photographer, she has dreads, she has lots o' tattoos, and she's just damn awesome. Her senior show is happening soon, so I wanted to post about her pretty face! She does a lot of work with body image. I was actually supposed to do a shoot with her of me in my undies jumping on a trampoline, but stupid school got in the way! I hope we can still do it though, so I'm going to bug you, Jesse!

I thought this might be relevant to my readers because guess what Jesse's show is centered around?


A few years ago, Jesse came to my apartment to take pictures of a friend and just so happened to get a lovely picture of my baby Astrid.

Then this one time, Jay had the picture hanging up at work and someone put a mustache on it.

Here are a few of Jesse's lovely words about her show:

It's a powerful word for being comprised of only three letters. Sex is a noun. A verb. With the addition of a few other letters it determines the attractiveness of a person. It has the power to divide our country over political issues. It's considered a gift from God. It is used to sell products. It gives (or forces upon) us an identity. It is used from the beginning of our lives to suggest the toys we should play with, the hobbies we should have and the clothes we should wear.
For as long as I can remember I have always been fascinated with other people and the way they live and experience life. As a child, I was interested in (and sometimes jealous) the ways my friends were disciplined and the way their family functioned in contrast to the experiences with my family. As I grew older, I began being interested in other cultures, religions and subcultures. Even if it was a lifestyle that I couldn't personally understand or relate to, I was still interested in the people who lived it. This fascination lead me to begin thinking about human sexuality and how vast and intriguing this subject it is. And while I have always been an open-minded individual who tries to be knowledgeable on just about everything, there was so much more to sex than I had previously understood.
Beginning my research on human sexuality was like diving into the subject of the creation of the universe. It is an enormously broad subject and there are a multitude of theories. I read books varying in subject from how pornography is destroying masculinity to monogamy being an outdated practice that shouldn’t always be followed. I spoke with individuals who were transgendered, still virgins (by choice), living a BDSM lifestyle and women who were proud porn stars.
In the end, although I had learned so much from the books I read and people I talked to, I realized essentially what I had already believed in the beginning: there is not one way to experience sex, sexuality and gender. 

Why don't you check out her work at her website, her Facebook Page and visit her event page if you're from the Cincinnati area! I'm going to do whatever I can to make it to the show! While you're at it, go visit her blog, Veganographer!

Hope everyone has a fabulous rest of the week!


here is some of Jesse's work! Definitely go to her website and see the rest! There are naked ladies! GO!

---all pictures courtesy of jesse, except for that one of astrid and her mustache!

Sunday, April 8

Am I a Lesbian?

So, a little unrelated to my post but I found this video today. Here you go. Heartbreaking but very powerful.

Anyway, I went to dinner with a friend last night and we were chatting about sexuality and sexual labels. If you know me outside of this blog (and if you don't, why don't we get coffee?), you know that I'm a very VERY open person. I'll be the first to say that my sexuality is weird, and I talk about it openly if it's brought up. Well, I guess that's why I'm posting this today.

After about a half of a day of self-reflection, I'm even more confused. I've considered myself sexually open in the past. I've been in that awkward "we're just talking" stage of a relationship with a transguy, I've been attracted to men, I've been attracted to women, I'm attracted to.. whatever! But, am I? There's more.

When I think about it in terms of straight (haha) up sex.. it gets more confusing. If I have a line of people in front of me and I can choose any of them to have sex with.. I would choose a woman. But I don't know if I consider myself as a lesbian. I don't know why I don't consider myself a lesbian.. because I truly don't think I could have sex with a man. That's not me being bisexual or just open to sexuality, is it? That makes me a lesbian. Plain and simple, clean cut. Bam. But what if I end up finding a man and I end up with him? I don't want to feel like I've lived a lie or that I've 'betrayed my race', ya know? It's confusing, isn't it?

The thing is, I AM attracted to men. I'm attracted to their muscles and I mean, I can be attracted to them.. so I don't get it. And I'm not afraid of labels, so why is this so difficult for me? Even then there's more to it. I'm attracted to feminine people.. but I also think masculine people are super hot. And androgynous identities are the bomb. What is going on?!

Am I a lesbian?


Friday, April 6

H&M Wants Me to Have Four Boobs

I bought this! Lots of boobage for me!
So, a few friends and I went shopping yesterday, which was the first time I've gone to the mall in MONTHS. I stopped going because of my crazy anxiety crap, but yesterday I did an okay job! That's another blog post though!

We went to H&M. I've never really shopped there because I kind of gave up before I ever tried. I assumed their clothes wouldn't fit a fat girl like me. About a year ago I bought a sexy dress from them and basically said nah to anything else (I don't know why because I really love the dress!). I bought some tanks, I bought some shirts and I bought some dresses.

There was this one dress, you see, that my boys and I were VERY excited about. I, of course, cannot find this dress online to show you, but it's short and flowery and the top is kind of corset like. Got it? Okay. So, I'm about to leave their loft and go home last night when we all decide that I should try said dress on, because they wanted to see what it looked like. 

I take off my tops and I'm standing in their living room in my bra and leggings. Selena, what?! Anyway. I attempt to get this dress on over my head and I get to the part where my arms are aboooout to scooch it down and get my head through it when I realize... this isn't happening. But Jay has always been a pusher of sorts, and it's definitely worked to my advantage in the past with clothes, and shoes! So I give in to the gay pusher pressure and say by golly this dress is going to fucking fit. 

No. We get it on and we are pulling and pushing it down, I'm contorting my body more than I ever have before, and I am miserable. I start sweating, I'm clammy. All the while Matt's on the damn floor laughing so hard I think he might start crying and Jay's like come on, come on, we can do this! We get to the point where the top of the dress is stuck in the middle of my boobage area. It won't go up and it for real won't go down either. I feel and I have 4 breasts. FOUR. I look in the mirror and my cleavage is so compact that it looks like I have a damn ass on my chest and four butt cheeks to go right along with it!

Jay helps me to finally get my tits up and over this monstrous dress and at this point it looks like I'm wearing a cute flowery skirt with a bra. Needless to say, I can't really go out looking like this! We finally get to the point of acceptance that this dress really just is not going to fit and I'm standing there in this tight ass thing for a few minutes laughing at myself, which leads to me coughing because my allergies are acting up. 

Now, it's time to take it off. After my arms were flailing in the air for what seemed like forever, we finally got it off and I was left standing in their living room in my bra and leggings once again. Thank god. I've never wanted that more in my life. 

Moral of the story? This is why I don't try on clothes at the store. 
Second moral of the story? That was a size 12 and so is the dress I'm wearing today. Clothing ranges in fit.. even with being the same size. And also bitches, I'm not a size 12 to begin with! You'll never know if something fits if you don't try it!

Have any clothing horror stories?

ps, did you know that H&M has their online store up and running now? AND THAT THEY HAVE PLUS SIZES?! WHATTTTT?!

Tuesday, April 3

My Body is Not My Body

My body is my body when I wake up with bed-head.
I walk down the street and people stare.
Diagnose me with illnesses; 
assuming I'm going to die because of my body.
Men hassle me for my number and comment on my ass.
My body is no longer my body.
People give me dirty looks because of the way I dress, 
surprised that I'm showing off their body. They don't like that. 
They don't want me to like my (their) body.
I go to shop for clothes to show off my body. 
There are close to none. 
They don't want me to like my body. 
They don't want me to dress my body. 
They want to shame me into losing weight 
so that I can fit into their clothes. 
They ask me why I'm wearing what I'm wearing.
My body is not my body.
I go to the grocery - see weight loss ideas, diet and low fat foods.
Magazines with bold print on the cover telling me that I can lose
20 pounds in 2 weeks eating whatever I want. 
I'm not supposed to like my body. It isn't mine to like.
I watch television, almost naked women everywhere. 
None of them look like me. No one is supposed to look like me.
I read the news online. New reason for being fat in America. 
Using words that degrade and oppress me.
Economy. Sadness. Depression. What if I'm just fat?
New diet fad? Why don't you try it? Just try it. 
There's no harm in trying it.
Like when I tried Atkins in high school and fainted 
because I was starving?
It's just a part of life, a part of being woman. 
Losing weight for bikini season. Keeping off those holiday pounds.
Be thin. Be thin. Be thin. Be thin.
My body is not my body and I should want to look good, 
how everyone expects me to look.
I see a new law going through the workings. 
Telling me what I can and cannot do with my body.
A law that goes against everything that  I believe in. 
But I can't do anything about it. 
I fight and I fight and nothing seems to work. 
My body is never going to be my body.
My fat is comfortable. My body is mine. 
I don't want to be crazy again, counting and measuring 
and hopefully dreaming.
My body isn't supposed to look like that body. 
My body can't. I'm happy in my body. It's beautiful. 
I have scars showing where I've grown and 
I have the pain from your hateful comments on my heart.
They aren't going anywhere. You've done your job, haven't you?
I'm not changing who I am. I am not changing who I am for you.

I've accepted myself.
Why can't you accept me, too?

xo Cortnie

Sunday, April 1

Embracing & Improving Yourself; Is it Important?

Hello everyone! I hope that you all had a fantastic weekend, I sure did! Relaxing and homework filled!

Here are some pictures from my past week or so for your eye pleasure.

I haven't been feeling too hot lately. Coughing like crazy!
My baby Astrid is gorgeous. Here she is lying on my lap.
This is from Pelican's Reef, the restaurant mom and I went to the other day.
Such an adorable place.
Sitting in traffic is always fun. Does anyone else drive with their foot up?
Got some Nutella. Life is complete.
It's kind of bumming me out that in about 10 weeks
I won't be doing this anymore. :(

I've also wanted to type up some goals of mine to improve myself for awhile now, and Kaelah over at Little Chief Honeybee inspired me to actually go for it when I read her post of goals! So what are mine? Here we go. Her's is more of a yearly thing that goes from birthday to birthday, but I want to make mine a monthly goal sort of a thing. Little by little will work better for me, I think. :) I believe that challenging yourself is the ultimate way to improve yourself, and I'm working towards becoming a better person everyday.

Goals for the month of April:

-  Smoke less
- Come up with awesome photoblog idea.
- Spend less time with my face in my iPhone // most specifically while driving
- Do homework on time and efficiently
- Have painted nails at all times, no chippies! Makes for a happy Cortnie.
- Do some sort of activity that makes me feel better and more energized. Maybe an elliptical or treadmill one day, maybe a brisk walk another day, and cleaning another day. Just do something!
- Eat smaller portions, don't stuff my face to the point of feeling sick. I'm bad at this and really need to improve myself in this area.
- Think critically about what is being posted online, whether it's a law about abortion rights or a murder case. Actually think about what I'm seeing on the television or on the computer and critic it. Analyze it.
- Have fun, go out, meet new people. Enjoy myself. I don't want my anxiety holding me back anymore.

So there they are. 
Does anyone else have any goals 
for April that they'd like to share?