Wednesday, August 8

You Are Not a Number.

I'm here to let everyone know one simple thing. You are not a number. I used to believe that I was a measly collection of different numbers--I still sometimes go back to that sad, depressing place, but I am here to say.. you are more than that.
My loves, you are so much more than useless numbers. It seems that everything in our society has a grading scale, or a number attached to it. Maybe it's to categorize us as citizens, or maybe it's to make us feel like complete shit. Either way, we have to combat these numbers.

You are not the amount of debt that you have, try your hardest not to let it weigh you down. You are not your credit score. No matter the hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that you have, you are not that debt. What do you think of when you think of debt? I think of the classic elementary number line, and I think of negative numbers. Do not place yourself down in the negatives. You may owe money, yes, but that is not all that you are. You are the education that you received from that money, you are the cute clothes and the cute shoes you may have gotten on that Capital One card on a day when you needed to feel happy.

You are not the number on the scale. You are not the technical, scientific weight of what gravity makes of you. You may want a scale for health reasons, that's totally fine and it's your prerogative, but try not to let it get out of hand. Don't look at that number and listen to the media and consider that as your worth. Do not look at that number and think it's too big and consider yourself worthless. Do not look at that number and think it's too small and consider yourself as less than. Your body lets you live everyday, don't belittle it by making its worth a simple number.

You are not the height that you carry. You are not the ruler. You are perfect. It doesn't matter if you're so tall that you have to look down at all of your friends. It doesn't matter if you're so short that you have to look up to the world. It is not your wrongdoing that the world was not made with you in mind. You are not that discretion, and that is not your inadequacy--you are not flawed.

You are not your sexual partner number. You should not feel forced to either have sex in order to increase that number, or not have sex to try and plateau or make up for having too many partners. You are your pleasure, you are your agency, you are your sensitive skin, and you are your shivers--whether that's with a partner or not. You are not a number.

I usually have to repeat to myself that I am not a mere number. I have to tell myself that no matter how fat I am, no matter how big my tits are, no matter how chunky my short legs are, no matter how much student loan debt that I have, no matter much that scale tells me that I weigh, that I am not a number. You take it for what it is, and you swipe it off of your shoulders. I know that it's hard.

It's hard for me to step on the scale and see the number that I see. Sometimes I get sad about it, and starve myself all day, just to come home and stuff myself with dinner. I am not that number. I am my breasts. I am my soft skin. I am my mop-like hair that desperately needs colored. It's also hard for me to see how much student debt that I have, and it's hard for me to look at my monthly bills when my salary isn't even enough to pay them. But in 20 years will I be so bad off? Lets hope not.

We have to rise up and we have to love ourselves. We are not a stupid collection of numbers. We are people. We have to stop comparing ourselves to everyone else. We have to stop dieting and start living. Instead of hating yourself for having that footlong sub, or that ice cream.. give yourself some love! Why do we treat ourselves so badly?! We have to stop, and I'm as much to blame as any of you could be.

Who's with me? Lets take a stand. Lets not measure our worth with numbers.

cort xo

Friday, August 3

Dear People-Who-Keep-Fat-Shaming-Chick-Fil-A-ers,

Dear People-Who-Keep-Fat-Shaming-Chick-Fil-A-ers,

Really? Is that necessary? Yes, it is a little ridiculous that the way people in this country can be activists in this SPECIFIC situation is through chicken, but really?! What's the difference between them getting a chicken sandwich value meal and you going to any other place on that day in protest of Chick-Fil-A and getting a chicken sandwich value meal? This horrible outcry against marriage equality and gay rights in general is NOT ABOUT CHICKEN. It just so happens that it started because of the notorious interview with a guy who owns the restaurant, so of course.. it's where? At the restaurant.

So, please stop. You're making us look bad. I'm fat and I'm not eating chicken sandwiches. And on Wednesday, I actually went to a fast food chain and got a salad! It doesn't matter what people are eating, they have every right to eat what they want, whether it's in the name of activism or not. What about a few weeks or a month or however so ago when these people were boycotting Oreo's when the company released the rainbow stuffed cookie picture and we were all, "I'm going to buy as many Oreo's as possible!", "I'm better than you!", "Yee-haw!"? They could have said (and probably did say something) about how lavish the gays were.

Now you're saying that these people can go for an appreciation day at the restaurant and that it's fine because when you are equally married they'll just end up sitting at home with Type 2 Diabetes? REALLY?! That's so damn rude, and discredits the illness, along with people who have it. YES, I agree, closed-mindedness and ignorance is shown when these people support a restaurant that hates us as a community, but it DOES NOT show that all fat people are bigots and hate the gays.

So please stop. I don't appreciate the fat-shame, because, well, I'm FUCKING FAT. And I'm a big old damn queer and I'm not eating chicken sandwiches but guess what? I'm still FUCKING FAT.

Sincerely Your's,
Cortnie xo

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Monday, July 30

Secret Camera Roll + Things To Look Forward To

Life has been relaxing and calm. Here are some pictures for you.
My hair was reaching new heights today.
Saw this at Goodwill.  
Organized my closet!

Mom and I visited my sister's plot today.
Had a cookout and bonfire with friends this past weekend. So fun.
Woke up and liked my legs.  
Pink is my favorite highlighter. ;)
That's mom's 50 book, by the way.
So there ya go.

I've been planning out a new blogging schedule with topics such as:
  • Tumblr Titillates- where I'd post funny things + important things from Tumblr
  • A Day in the Life- ... a day in my life. :)
  • Dear ____ - where I'd write a letter to someone who needs a talkin' to.
  • Natural Needs- Adventures in nature.
  • Cookie Rookie/Cook Rook(ie)- where I FINALLY start cooking.
  • Body <3- body positivity + adventures in my new lifestyle change.
  • Wishful Words- goals, successes, things like that.
  • Thirst for Thrift- thrift store adventures with clothing
  • Marv Mode/Fatshion- I want to do more fattie clothes posts. 
Just wanted ya'll to know what I've been thinking about. :)

cort xo

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Thursday, July 26

I'm Tired of Waiting.

I'm so damn tired of waiting for something better to happen. I'm tired of sitting on my ass, typing away at my blog, hoping for a change in myself. I'm making this change. It's exhausting and pointless to continue to hope for something better, but do nothing to change it. I love myself. But I need control and I need change. We all are always waiting for something. Whether it's to get into a bathing suit (when you could easily just put one on), waiting for a better job to come along, waiting for a better partner to come along, or in my case, waiting to love myself fully. Well, it isn't just going to happen. 

I love myself, I do a lot, but I need to take better care of myself. And here I am, doing that. No waiting. I'm in love with who I am. I'm in love with myself. That is why I am eating healthier foods, and being more active in hopes of being healthier. But, I need to lose weight. Not because of what anyone is telling me, and not because of things that I see, but because my body hurts. I'm jaded in this thought that I'm completely happy with myself. I believe that all bodies are beautiful, and that if someone is happy with themselves and other people say that they are fat or ugly, that's bullshit. But, I'm not completely satisfied with myself. I can do better for myself. So, I'm working towards that goal of being healthier, and losing some weight so that I can be more comfortable, because it's what my body needs. I don't want to be out of breath when I walk to class. I don't want to be that person. My body is exhausted. I'm tired of saying I'm okay with myself when I'm not completely okay with myself. Fuck that. I need to be honest with myself. I'm too young to feel so old.

None of my prior posts are lies. I swear that.
We are all beautiful creatures. I just want to be a happier Cortnie.

cort x

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Monday, July 23

Sexual Assault Survivors Have Voices, Ya Know!

Before I start the post for today, I wanted to let everyone know about my new Jux page! I'm posting pictures on there that I'm not posting anywhere else, so if you wanna creep a bit on me, I give you my full consent!


I hope that everyone has heard about Savannah Dietrich, and if you haven't, I'll blab a bit about her. In very simple terms here's what happened.

  • Savannah was sexually assaulted. 
  • She and the apparently two boys who assaulted her went to juvenile court. 
  • She was not satisfied with what sentence they received. (Understandably) 
  • She went to Twitter & Facebook and said what had happened, including their names. 
  • Apparently the judge didn't want anyone discussing the case. 
  • They were going to hold her in contempt. 
  • A petition helped to make that not happen. 
  • PS, the boys took pictures of the assault and shared them with friends. 

Okay, there you go. This made me think about lots of things. 

First of all, what's with the silencing of the case? I realize that they were all juveniles, but that doesn't change the fact that this girl's life will be forever scarred from what these boys did to her, while they were just having fun taking pictures and hurting her. And, as the petition helped point out, she had every right to say who hurt her, and I'm assuming she felt very empowered from it. So many survivors have come out saying that Savannah is a heroine for them. Get it, girl!

It also made me think about what I'd do if this happened to me. I've never been attacked. I've never had to deal with that. The most that has happened to me is an ass grab, where I turned around and slapped the asshole. I could not even begin to imagine how my life would feel if someone took what was most precious to me. I have friends who have been raped or molested, and I look up to them so so much. I could not imagine. It makes me so sad. Anyway, to spare you from my awkward I-don't-know-what-to-say-right-now section of this post, lets move on. 

Would I post the names of people online? FUCK YES. If I found out the names of my offender(s), fuck yes I would post them. This needs to happen more often, anyway. It's so hush hush; we are socialized to not talk about these things. I say fuck that. I would. Just how on my personal Facebook page I warned women on my campus about going to the Subway because of a creep in there. We have to watch out for each other, whatever the gender. If I could save someone else from getting assaulted, and if that meant that I needed to type out someone's name online, you better believe that I would do just that. 

So what would you do? Have you ever thought about it? 
xo, cortnie
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Monday, July 16

Mind Over Matter & #fatgirlworkout

Hello lovelies!

I've been venturing in on the cleaner/healthier eating train, as I'd mentioned a few posts back. And today I woke up crazy early and felt the need to write out some goals for myself. I'm a planner at heart,  can't help it. Even though I'm a very body positive person, my mind still drives me crazy. Every so often, I happen to see myself in the mirror, and I don't like what I see. Lately, it's been harder to get my leggings on, and since moving in with my mother in January, my body has definitely taken a turn. 
While living on my own, I worked two jobs and went to school full time, so there wasn't much time to do anything but work, homework, and sleep with the occasional drunken night. Regardless of any of that crap, I had little to no money, so food was sometimes hard to come by. If I did have food, it was almost always fast food, driving through McDonald's or Burger King on my way home from a long night at the salon. Back then, I didn't necessarily feel healthy, but I was smaller than I am now. I've found comfort here with mom, and I always have a huge stock of food available. I'm also working a lot less. A LOT. I was probably working 60 hours or so a week plus taking 18 credit hours while I lived completely on my own, so like I hinted earlier, there was barely time to breathe, much less eat.

So with my clothes getting a bit tighter, and having little money to buy new ones (so little that my car payment is late this month), I want to change my life. I know I've said it over and over again on here, but I'm doing the healthy thing and I'm doing it right this time. It's my life, no one else's. I want to prove Health at Every Size correct. I want to feel better in my body. I want to not be uncomfortable trying to get dressed. I want to not struggle to get my seatbelt on sometimes in my car. I want to feel better when I walk to work or to class. I don't want to get anxious thinking about walking around while I'm out with friends. I don't want to have an insanely swollen right foot because of all of the sodium in the processed foods I've eaten.

I want to stop smoking. I want to know when I'm hungry and know when I'm full. I want to learn to not eat out of sadness or happiness or any other emotion. I want to use my body to its full potential as the amazing machine that it is. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. And how do I do that? I punch it right in the damn face. That's why I'm doing this. I'm not doing this healthy stuff to necessarily lose weight, although my body is hurting and is feeling uncomfortable, so I'm assuming that that is going to be some sort of an outcome of all of this. I don't doubt that it will be. But I'm not doing it for that sole purpose.

I don't want anyone to accuse me of being a hypocrite. I don't want that at all because that's not who I am. I want everyone to understand that body acceptance, body love, and loving yourself entirely mean that you want to do good things for your body. To me, that means feeding it good, healthy foods, and being active a few times a week. The food helps me feel more in tune with Earth, and the sweaty exercise helps with my anxiety.  I don't want to spout body love without loving myself fully. I do love myself, but not as much as I can without depending on other things for my happiness.
Many of you expressed some interest in recipes and things, so those are going to be coming sometime in the near future, I swear! Once I learn some! Expect some SnapGuides, like my How to Dress Up Your Fat Body & How to Make Eggs in a Basket guides. I've also been updating my Tumblr with posts about working out, and liking different recipes that I think I might like. Here's a link to all of the posts about my #fatgirlworkout posts

Oh, speaking of that hashtag. I started it awhile ago on Tumblr. So far, it looks like I'm the only one using it. Are you a fat girl? Are you working out? Lets talk about it! There needs to be a bigger community of fat girls working out. The stigma is terrible behind fat people working out, even though we're supposed to work out in order to lose all of the weight society wants us to lose! Double edged sword? I want to show that health can exist no matter what you look like. So, start using the hashtag! I'd love to communicate with you outside this blog! I'd love to hear your stories! Lets normalize things!

Okie dokie. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure:

xo cortnie
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Monday, July 9

Skinny Gurl, We Need To Talk

One of my fabulous readers sent me a link to a sickening website, It's a sad website, because it really goes to show that bias and ignorance on body acceptance and health is far higher than I could probably ever imagine. I want to take a moment and comment on a few snippets of this post, titled Fat Pride Burns My Hide. Cute, right?
A magazine for “plus size” women (aka. fat girls) Plus Model Magazine, featured an editorial in this month’s issue that made me both angry and sick to my stomach.  While you fat lovers out there (we know you come here too!) are going to have lots to say defending this, most of you skinny gurls need to be prepared for what you’re about to see.
I can't say that I wasn't expecting to see rhetoric like this on the website. Okay, "plus size women" are "aka. fat girls." Yup. No doubts about that. Wrong. Different people have different ideas about what fat, thin, plus size, chubby, bulky, skinny, fit, etc are. These are just words. They float around our minds, and around our worlds, and we just stick them to whatever we please. For instance, to one person I may be considered chubby, but to another person fat. I also don't technically label myself plus size, although it's where some of my clothes come from, because I don't fit the ideal plus size mold. I don't look like them, and frankly, I hate how a lot of plus sized clothes fit me. Anyway. Words. Ideas. It's what we make of ourselves. It's our own personal image of ourselves. Do you ever go weeks or months without seeing a picture of yourself, then you see a picture and you're all like WHOA?! You've been through this I'm sure. I have as well. (That's why I chose the image that I did for the post today! I never realEach and every one of us have a self-image, it's what we imagine ourselves to look like, and it can be accurate to how we actually look or, like in my case or the case of many of the people reading, it can sometimes be very distorted. This is the whole baseline of people with any sort of eating disorder.

It's also very sad to me that these people, or well this person writing, says that I make her sick to her stomach. That's not my goal. My goal has nothing to do with you, and I'm sorry if my body makes you want to vomit, but simply don't look at me, or people like me, if that's the case. Unless you want to puke, which seems to be highly likely considering your site is promoting starving and eating disorders in order to be skinny. Lets move on.
I’m really glad I can’t read the number on that measuring tape.. eww…can we say fat rolls!? Do you have any idea how much someone has to eat to look like this? Look, I am not saying she is a whale or obese, but she’s definitely fat and if I looked like that I sure wouldn’t be a> naked and b> in front of a camera. But to the caption: I wonder if these writers ever considered the, um, larger part of the equation: that the average woman in the western world has gotten much, much fatter over the past twenty years. Today the average fashion model weighs so much less than the average woman because the average woman is significantly overweight. In the US, for example, the average woman is 40 lbs overweight; 2/3 of women are overweight and 1/3 of women are obese. This is for one reason and one reason only: because they eat too much.
I know that was a long one, but I think it's important. First of all, the first sentence. The model has one roll. Moving on. How much someone has to eat to look like this? Being fat is not solely about how much food someone eats, it's about many other things. It can be about genetics. It can be about health issues, like thyroid problems for example. It can be about eating the foods that maybe aren't as healthy. What if someone ate 10 pounds of carrots a day and another person ate one big, fat, greasy cheeseburger a day? Which one is eating more? The carrot person is clearly eating more. Therefore the carrot person in this story would be fat according to this writer, because you're only fat if you are constantly eating, or eating a lot of food. What about the marathon hot dog eaters who are super thin? No?

Next, I'd like to talk about this writers claim that the "average woman in the western world has gotten much, much fatter over the past twenty years." Okay? This person is claiming that the models aren't too thin, it's just that the women in America have gotten soooo big that they're in a whole new dimension of fat as compared to the models. The models didn't change, the people in the world just got fatter. This is incredibly jaded and cloudy. It's no surprise that models HAVE gotten tremendously smaller throughout the years, and I hate to throw her in because her name dropping is completely obnoxious but look at Marilyn Monroe. She was bigger than many of the models that you see today. It's noted in many news articles that the clothing sizes of models have decreased in the past 100 or so years, and this INCLUDES plus size models. Google it, if you'd like.

The last thing I'd like to say is about the statistic at the end of the quoted area above. "In the US, for example, the average woman is 40 lbs overweight; 2/3 of women are overweight and 1/3 of women are obese." UM WHAT? It's math time, my friends! 2/3 + 1/3 = what? 3/3 or 1. 1. So every single woman in our country is either overweight or obese? There are women in our country who are not overweight or obese! This false, made up fact is claiming that there are NOOOO thin women in America. How bogus is this shit? If this statistic was true, the writer of this post would be either overweight or obese and so would ALL of the people involved with Check your facts, people, for the love of GOD, check your facts!

There are tons of other things that I could point out about this stupid post, but I'm exhausted by it already and I frankly don't feel like it. The biggest thing I want to point out to people is that you need to love yourself. Love who and what you are. If you don't like it, change it, but change it because of the love that you have for yourself. Not because of rude ass people like the people on that website. All bodies are different. They obviously are supposed to be, it's what makes our world amazing. My thighs are fat. My ass is fat. My belly is fat. I'm fat. One of you reading this could be thin. One of you could be slender. One of you could be average--whatever the fuck that means. But we are all amazing in what we are.

Our people are wasting too much time on how thin they can be, how they look, and what everyone else thinks about their looks. Our people are wasting this time while they could be learning new things, like how to knit, or reading amazing books, or petting cats. They are wasting time worrying about something that big corporations making billions of dollars each year are TELLING you to worry about. That idea of beauty is manufactured by advertising and weight loss drugs, and it isn't real. This is why diets, and weight loss drugs still exist. They don't work. They don't. Stop hating yourself. You are amazing. You are loved. You look great. You matter.
xo, cortnie

Monday, July 2

Fat People with Eating Disorders: My Story

Early start to my cat lady life.
The only eating disorders that fat people can have, according to our culture, is binge eating or emotional eating. I want to talk about eating disorders in fat people because I have a lot of experience with it.  I'm a fat woman, and I've suffered/am currently suffering from eating disorders. When I was in middle school, while battling a terrible case of OCD, I was afraid to eat. I only ate prepackaged Poptarts, one pack a day, because I was afraid of any other food having food poisoning. Although I was a fat pre-teen (or so I thought at the time), I was not doing this for weight loss initially, I was doing it because I didn't want to throw up from contaminated food. After some long months of doing this, my peers started realizing that I was losing weight. They were complimenting me, telling me how great I looked. 

After a year or so of this, I picked myself up a boyfriend. I began to obsess about everything, thanks to my OCD, involving food. People started talking to me more, boys liked me, teachers even treated me differently. My obsessiveness got so intense that I found pro-ed blogs, LiveJournals mostly, and looked at what these girls were doing. While scrolling through the pages, looking at the emaciated pictures of these girls who were still calling themselves fat, and seeing everything they were eating (in these blogs, you'd post every single thing you were eating, down to the ounce), I thought.. well, if these girls are fat, then I'm way too fat. I began to love that grumbling stomach, begging for food, because it meant that I was doing something right. I never realized that what I was doing was wrong.
I didn't pee my pants, this was a practical joke.
Funny, funny. (I'm short on pictures so this is what you get)
Another girl in my 6th or 7th grade class was super athletic, and super thin. I remember one day she wasn't in class, and the next day and the next. She was out of school for about two weeks and when she came back, she looked absolutely terrible. It had been found that she was suffering from anorexia, a term that I wasn't familiar with even after I'd been internet friends with many people suffering from the same thing while I was suffering as well, and I wondered many things. I'm doing the same things that this girl is doing, but no one is recognizing my problem. Does that mean I don't have a problem? I'm equally suffering from exhaustion, upset stomach, not being able to focus on school work, constantly obsessing about my food, not eating school lunch, and nausea whenever I ate anything. No one cared about my problems because I was losing weight for the right reasons, I was fat. I dealt with the nausea so much that my mother had to carry around anti-nausea medicine with her, and though I'm sure it worried her, I don't think she knew what was going on with her daughter.
At a school dance in 7th grade.
No one knew what was going on with me. It was my own little secret, and I liked it that way. I went to school and I came home to get onto the computer and look at pictures of super-thin people, bond with the friends that I'd made online, and I was always so excited to just not eat. That grumbling stomach always told me what I was doing right. I was also working at the YMCA at this point, volunteering mostly, in swim lessons and stuff. Around this time, I picked up on swimming laps. I absolutely loved it. I loved being in the water, pushing my legs and moving my arms, gasping for that infamous swimmers side breath every few laps, and feeling my stomach growl while I was in the water. I'm telling you, this stomach growling was my favorite part of any day. My next favorite thing? The compliments I'd gotten on my weight loss. People asked what I was doing, how they were so proud of me for finally getting healthy. Little did they know, I was at one of the most unhealthy points in my life. I mean, at this point I was barely eating my daily Poptart.

Then, something changed. I was so hungry. So, so hungry. I remember the first bit of food I ate after my long stretch of not eating anything.  I remember being at the mall, with my mother I think. She had gotten a pretzel from Auntie Anne's, and I wanted one. Surprisingly. I ordered some big cinnamon one, and I ate the whole thing. I binged and I felt terrible about it. I wanted to puke, but as I mentioned above, I was terrified of throwing up (as I still am to this day). I didn't want to throw it up. I remember going on my LiveJournal and spewing out my regrets into the internet. How ridiculous is it that I felt so much guilt for eating this pretzel?
Freshman year of high school.
A few years later and I'm a cheerleader in high school trying the Atkins diet. I pass out at cheerleading practice, which is embarrassing enough. But no one assumes it's because of my new diet of eating, well, nothing healthy. According to nearly everyone, it's because I'm too fat to keep up with the other girls training for the yearly competition. What a shame. I could have gotten help.

Fast forward to today and what happens? I binge eat when I'm sad. I binge eat if I'm lonely. It's a way of comfort, and that's never okay. Whenever a 'diet' or 'lifestyle change' is introduced to me, I get really excited. I get an insane high that I can't even attempt to explain; remembering my past and counting calories and figuring out how in the negative I am with calories and working out and burning those calories. In my past, whenever I attempt to go on a diet and work out, it always goes to the extreme that it was when I was 11 or 12. There is no middle ground for me. There is no healthy diet for me, at least not yet. I think once I recognize these things fully, that I can have a more reasonable relationship with food. I feel like today I'm better. A lot better. I love who I am. But sometimes, it's bad again. If I want to start a new workout program, I get anxious and scared that I'll get obsessive again, and that makes me not even start it, which is so sad.

If I step on a scale and see a number that I don't like, my mind immediately goes into overdrive thinking of how many calories I can burn in one week and how many pounds that translates to. I daydream about my old days of wearing Abercrombie & Fitch jeans, and not worrying about whether or not I would be able to find clothes in any random clothing store. Somedays I dream of that, and as sad as this is to admit, I think that that's a natural part of being human in the culture that we live in. We aren't supposed to like what we look like. I mean, that's why the diet industry is making billions upon billions of dollars each year, right? We all see this thin propaganda, usually without even thinking about it. It goes in one ear and out the other, but that is not to discredit what it does to our brains. If I'm out with friends for dinner, I try to be as normal as possible while ordering food. Fat people are scrutinized for what they eat, thin people aren't. I can be at dinner with a few friends and we could all order huge cheeseburgers, but who is the waitress going to give the stink eye to? Do I really have to even ask? 
Cincinnati Pride: Courtesy of Citybeat
Don't get me wrong, everyone, I do love who I am. I love wearing my bikini (who wants to go swimming?), and I love breaking boundaries that fat ladies have. I love every minute of it. I am fat, and I will never be thin, and that is necessary to recognize. And I'm okay with that. This isn't even the whole of my eating disorder history, but it is the most devastating to me. I wanted to share this story with all of you because I want people to stop thinking that fat people can't have eating disorders. Through this whole not-eating journey and battle with anorexia in middle school, I still only lost enough weight to get down to about a size 10 or 12. Not thin by today's standards, and definitely not thin by my middle school peer's standards or by my pro-ed LiveJournal friend's standards. Currently, I'm around a size 24 probably, I'm always wearing leggings so I don't really keep track.

The moral of the story? You have to love yourself. And even that isn't enough sometimes. A fat person not eating is not a noble lifestyle change. It's a disorder, an illness, a disease. Congratulating them is hurting them. We all have to love ourselves, and I cannot stress that enough. I love myself so so much, and that isn't even enough sometimes. Maybe somedays I watch more tv than other days, and see more weight loss propaganda, or maybe one day I am thinking about stupid shit too much. Whatever the reason, the guilty, regretful feelings still come back. But when do I love myself the most? When I'm not obsessing about my stomach, when I find a cute outfit, when I'm around people who love me, when readers like you email me or message me on Facebook and tell me how much I've changed your lives. Those things drive me. They make me so so happy. I'm so glad I can make you all love yourselves so much. In that sense, I didn't want everyone to think that I'm free of these same thoughts that you have. I just try to approach them differently. 

I know that I'm not the only one who has dealt with these issues, but how would I know if people don't talk about them? That is why I wanted to write this post. That is also why it was so hard for me to write this post. I'm on the verge of tears, and I'm shaking, but I had to do this for myself and for you. You are okay. You are beautiful. You deserve to love yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect. 

You are amazing, and I love you. 
xo, Cortnie

Wednesday, June 27

Fat-Shamed @ Starbucks

When mom and I landed back home at the airport on Monday, the first thing I could think of was, OH MY GOD I NEED COFFEE. I was exhausted, but luckily I didn't look too terribly rough like I normally do after getting off of a plane! Mom and I were walking and bam, Starbucks was there. So I naturally stopped. 

I go to the counter and I order a double soy chai. Iced. The girl was all confused about my having to ask for espresso in the chai to begin with, so this lady had clearly not been fully trained on coffee making through Starbucks. I remember my training, it was pretty intense! I tell her she can assume that there are shots in the drink and not charge me for them, I just wanted my damn shots. I like my chais dirty!

So, she writes the order on the cup and passes it off. The woman making my drink seemed capable. She knew what she was doing and she was getting everything together and chatting quietly with her coworker. Everything was peachy keen. They're giggling, they're happy coworkers. She's finished and she hands me my drink. I ask to make sure, because I always do at a new coffee place, that it's soy milk. People overlook the neatly curved 'S' on the cup way too many times, and if I've never been to the shop to build that soy trust, then I ask. 

What does she say? No, I made it nonfat. Um.. excuse me? She stares at me. Looks at the drink.. back at me. Looks me up and down in a very uncomfortable, awkward way. I politely say, I ordered soy. She takes it back and remakes it, and it even though it ended up tasting like complete ass, I got my soy. A few questions come into play here. 

Why did she make it nonfat? There was so clearly an 'S' under the milk preference on the cup. What if I was vegan? Lactose intolerant? The generic milk of choice for Starbucks drinks, if a milk preference isn't given, is 2%, so why the nonfat? Why did she look at me in the questioning, appalled, offended way that she did? 

Now, it doesn't really matter why I ordered soy in the first place, but I'll clear that up for ya'll. I don't like drinking animal milk. Plain and simple. It freaks me out to think that I'd be drinking the breast milk of an animal other than a human. And I like the vanilla taste to the soy milk that Starbucks uses. It's creamier, it's thicker a bit, and it's yummy! It especially makes the chai taste delicious. 

Either way, this woman is making a drink for me. The drink that I specifically asked for. I understand a mistake, I do, but this wasn't just a mistake of forgetting that I asked for soy. This is the mistake of ignoring that I asked for soy and giving me nonfat. If she overlooked my milk preference, she would have just given me 2%, like I said above. She wouldn't reach for the nonfat, it shouldn't even have been in her mind. Or was it?

I'm fat. We all know this. I know this. Anyone who sees me knows this. Did this woman see me and assume I'd want or asked for nonfat? I'm a fat woman and I'm obviously unhappy with the way that I look and I'm on a diet because of that so of course I ordered nonfat, right? Did this woman see me and assume I'd needed nonfat? Did this woman see me, hear my order, and take it upon herself to give me nonfat since I hadn't asked for it? 

The way she reacted really rubbed me the wrong way, and it wasn't just an irritated attitude that I was given. I understand that irritated feeling, because I used to make coffee drinks for people and get frustrated with them needing drinks remade. I get it. But that wasn't what this look was. This was a look of disdain. A look of pure anger. A look of disgust that I'm a fat woman and ordered soy milk instead of the nonfat, and disgust that I may be happy with myself and not trying to cut back on calories or trying to lose weight.

I can't even explain to you all the feeling that this gave me. The rush of thoughts. The rush of blood to my head. Did she really just silently fat-shame me? Even if that wasn't her intention, and it could easily not have been, there was something behind her giving me nonfat. I'm not trying to be paranoid, but either subconsciously or consciously, this woman gave me nonfat for a reason. Like I said, 2% is the norm for Starbucks.

I'd like to end this post by saying that Rohs Street Cafe, another coffee shop, they use soy as the default for their chai drinks. Because they know it tastes good. I've never knowingly experienced this judgement before at any individual, local coffee shop. Only Starbucks. Also, a few friends and I went to Coffee Emporium yesterday and I ordered an iced soy latte. Did the world end? Did cows walk into the shop and moo until the sun came up? Was I attacked by fitness instructors, hoping to morph me into whatever bikini clad woman is on the front of one of those stupid magazines this week? Was I ashamed? Nope. I just got soy in my drink. No nonfat. Nothin' but soy, including no attitude or bad looks. They were actually really very nice. Just something to think about. 

What do you think? Why did she give me nonfat?
xo, cortnie
ps this is my 100th post!

Florida Vacay: Cleaner Eating Venture

So, as you all should know, I just got back from Florida! Debby kind of put a damper on the ass end of our trip, which kinda sucked, but whatevs.

I realized a few things about my body while I was there, I'm not sure if it's because my body was out there in that bikini or not. Who knows? Anyway. I ate cleaner for the majority of the time we were there, unless we went out to eat because that's SUPER hard to do. I didn't drink soda. I tried my best and you know what I found out? I found out that Diet Coke is insanely sugary! I went a few days without it and then I had it one day while we were out and it actually gave me a little bit of a headache. I also was eating more fresh fruit and veggies, even though I am kind of a salad hog anyway. I watched my sodium a lot, and my body just felt better from it all. Then, one day mom and I went out to eat and I had a fried grouper sandwich and french fries. After we ate, mom and I were walking to the car and I suddenly had a panic attack. I hadn't had one in days, so I was surprised, and nothing major was happening.. even though that isn't really the only cause of one. This made me realize that what I eat can be triggering my panic attacks. Maybe too many carbs, sugars, or processed foods? This makes me want to really treat my body right, and then it'll love me back, right? So that is a new goal of mine, and if you're all interested I could post about it. Let me know if you'd like to hear about my new venture/challenge/lifestyle. Mom and I are going shopping Friday! 

On our last Saturday in Florida, mom and I ventured to the island (Anna Maria Island) once again, and got to visit the motel room that my Aunt and Uncle had let us use for the night. The bed was way too small for mom and I, so we didn't stay all night, but we visited! When I say this motel was right on the beach, you all probably think I mean like a hop and a skip away. But when I say this motel was right on the beach.. I mean it was right on the god damn beach! Here are my feetsies!

 And here's a kitty cat friend that I made on the island. He was insanely bred and had awkward colored hair, and the length of his hair was weird, but he was so sweet. He even ran into our room with us! I didn't mind of course, but mom ran him out. Then he was scratchin' at the porch window.. I felt so bad for the baby.

Storm crap. I wish I could dance like a palm tree.

And here's another picture of me in my bikini. Cellulite chunky legs and all.

If you're interested in my journey of clean eating, comment on this post and let me know! I'd love to have a new addition to my posts! Clean eating and nutrition has a lot to do with body love, and many of you lovelies are here for my body love posts, so I figure it all matches.

xo, cortnie

Wednesday, June 20

Feminine or Femme? Which label fits you?

How would you label me?
As many of you know by now, I'm in Florida on vacation. I brought some books to read, but am only reading one at the moment, Two Whole Cakes by Lesley Kinzel. It's really a great read, and I recommend it to all of my followers who really enjoy my body positivity posts! Towards the beginning, Lesley talks about the definitions of women, most specifically femininity and femmeness. These labels go right along with the body of woman, but both are very different. 

The idea of femininity is ancient. Truly feminine women are sensitive, soft, culturally beautiful, thin but not too thin, and muscular but not too muscular (or they'll be deemed masculine). They don't take up much space. To be feminine, you are on the search for the perfect man, and you shave every night so you don't have stubbles if you happen to meet him. Check out this website, and try not to puke. 

The idea of femmeness is very different, and I love what Lesley has to say about it. 
Femmeness, however, is interrogated femininity. The main thrust of the idea of femmeness is not a faithful reproduction of the feminine, but is instead a reinvention, reclamation, or ironic performance of it, taking place outside the traditional context of a misogynist world. 
If I had to put a label on myself, and I do it often, I would definitely be femme. I don't qualify as feminine, in the historical concrete definition. I'm not thin. I'm not on the search for a man. I don't have long flowing beautiful hair. I say bad words.. a lot. I speak my mind. I take up too much space because I'm fat. And well, I frankly don't give a fuck. 

The idea of the 'femme' came from the LGBTQ Community, to categorize or place yourself in a specific area in order to find a mate. As Lesley explains, many femmes understand the concept of drag, and embrace it. A flamboyant gay man, for example, is described much of the time as being feminine, but I think that's a mistake. He, instead of being feminine, is femme in my terms of the word, because if I, as a cis-woman, can't even identify as feminine, then how the hell would a cis-man who is gay be able to be labeled as that? Lots of different people can be femme, but not many people can be feminine, and I think that's an important idea to recognize. Femmes can have all of the qualities and characteristics of being feminine, but fight the idea of femininity at the same time.

Now, I don't want everyone thinking I'm sitting around putting labels on everyone I see. This post is really just to differentiate the ideas of feminine and femme. Since I am a die-hard feminist, fight the patriarchy and misogyny everydamnday of my life, and the idea of femininity stems from oppressing women, then there's no possible way that anyone could label me as feminine. And I don't want them to. 

How does the world label you? How do you label yourself? Are you feminine or are you femme? 
xo, cort

Monday, June 18

Heteronormativity is the Biggest Bully on the Block!

So, I have a question for my fellow queers. You straighties/breeders/'normal' people though, please KEEP reading. 
I need to write about the problems that heteronormativity brings about. You may be wondering, what is heteronormativity, though? Basically, it's the thought that someone is straight because it's the norm, it goes along with heterosexism, and it is the cause for MANY frustrations. I've had people tell me that it isn't a big deal, to just get over it.. and how do these people identify? Straight. Heteronormativity is the reason that gays can't get married, it's the reason that Dancing With the Stars only has opposite gender (whatever that even means) dance partners, it's the reason research studies are very exclusive, and it's the reason that if I'm out of my comfort zone of school and work that I get asked questions like, do you have a boyfriend? Are you married? Girl, why dontcha gimme ya numba cause dat ass is hot?

It's the reason why I get all bent out of shape if someone assumes that I'm straight, even though I make it a point to say that I'm queer and not a lesbian. Why do I get so pissed when someone asks if I'm married, when I could easily fall in love with a dude and marry him? Why do I get so pissed if some guy compliments me and wants me? Why does my blood boil if a straight man gives me a compliment? It's because these people are completely devaluing and degrading the thoughts that I have for women. They aren't important, they don't matter, and they aren't real because of the fact that they aren't recognized! It'd be nice to go somewhere and start a conversation with a stranger and have them ask me if I had a partner. It'd be awful nice to hear that! But we don't hear that because it isn't the norm.

Heteronormativity is one of the reasons why I am constantly coming out of the closet. It's not that I don't like talking about my queerness, because clearly I love it, but when people don't recognize it as a possibility, it feels like it doesn't matter. Which in turn makes me feel like I don't matter. If I feel this way, I can't even imagine how many other people do. This is the reason so many kids are killing themselves. This is the reason why so many people who are queer end up going along with what our culture asks of them and wind up getting married and having kids.. to later come out and be looked down upon because of their 'lie' of a life.

Heteronormativity is the reason behind the stigma that I could be checking out a woman because I'm jealous of her. Women aren't supposed to check other women out, and if they do it's because they either want to look like them or because they are internally condemning them for how they look. Thanks diet companies! Judging. Well, I say fuck that. If I'm checking out a woman, it's not because I'm fat and I'm praying to look like her someday, it's because I think she's fucking hot! It's the reason why if I see a guy and think he's hot and he makes eye contact with me that I look immediately away, in fear of him assuming I want him (which I easily could, there are lots of hot guys) and him assuming I'm straight or something.

I honestly think the ideas behind heterosexism and heteronormativity are stopping me from even thinking about dating a guy. Not to mention that the thought of a penis anywhere close to me makes me want to die. I'm not sure if that point is relevant in this post, but I think it is somewhat connected. I'm in Florida, as many of you know, and my family and I have had conversations.. duh. Well, some of them discredit me. I'm not trying to be all confrontational or sensitive.. but they do! There was a conversation about a woman who was married a handful of times and finally found her soulmate in her last marriage, and it was discussed that this was a great thing. During conversations like this, I literally sit there in fury. I sit there thinking, will I ever have that right in my lifetime? To marry whoever I want in hopes of finding the one? Who knows if that will ever happen for me? That is why heteronormativity is the biggest bully on the block.

I know that people think that gay pride, rainbows, along with the bumper stickers on my car are obnoxious. They think we geeeetttt it, you're gay. You don't have to flounce it around. This goes along with the, okay, you're gay but I don't want to see it idea. How is that fair? I see straight shit everywhere. On the plane down here, I saw couples kissing and hugging and taking cute pictures. I saw people holding hands at the airport. These people were prancing their sexuality in front of me, so why can't I do the same without being worried of getting harassed or beat up? We put it out there because we have to. I put my identity out in the open because I don't want people assuming things about me. I put it out there for the little teenage queers who need my help. I participate in pride because it is literally the one day where I can maybe hold someone's hand and not feel uncomfortable. It's our day to shine. It's our day to be who we are, and not have to hide it for one tiny second. This is probably (unconsciously) why many of my queer friends go out to gay bars every weekend; it's where they can be themselves.

So, there's my bitchfest. There will be more on this soon! I'm outside at Starbucks and I'm hot so I'm going to go back to Mommom's and have a nice nap! I hope you all enjoy your days!

What do you think about heteronormativity and heterosexism? How do they affect you?

xo cortnie
ps, like this post or any of my others? click the pin it button to get it on your pinterest account!

Sunday, June 17

Fat Girl in Florida

Hello everyone! If you've 'liked' my Facebook Page, you'd know that I'm on vacation right now! I'm visiting my grandma and her husband in Bradenton, Florida.. which apparently has been deemed the top retirement area in the country. Yeeeah. So anyway, last night Mommom, Mom, and I had to stop at the drug store to get some things, and I just happened to come across this bullshit product line.
I've heard of the Skinny Girl margaritas and whatnot, but I had no idea that this stupid shit existed. So, naturally, I was pissed. What the hell is up with this? Am I allowed to use these products, being a fatgirl, or am I the target customer for these products, being a fatgirl? They have these beauty products; lip gloss, skin exfoliants, smoothing and firming body lotion, the whole shebang. This is ridiculous.

I ventured over to their website, where you can find diet pills, motivational quotes, among tons of other skinnygirl things. They even have vitamins for their customers, because eating real food to get real vitamins isn't the goal of this company. You're supposed to detox and take diet pills and brush your teeth right after you eat so you won't want to eat again.. and take vitamins to make up for what you're missing out on. Then, I saw this.
"Being naturally thin is a practice." Being naturally thin is a practice?! You don't practice what you naturally are, you just are. I could understand if the quote was something like, "being thin is a practice," because I mean, that makes sense. But being naturally anything isn't a practice, it's just what you are! That's like me saying that my being naturally fat is a practice. It's not a practice, I'm not working towards being fat everyday, stuffing donuts and cheeseburgers in my mouth. I'm just a big woman.

Scoping around their site also proves that in order to be that naturally thin person and practice that lifestyle everyday, you also need to be naturally fucking rich because their products are insanely expensive. This is feeding into the idea that fat people are poor because they're lazy, and rich people are thin because they work hard. Think this has to do with pay inequality between fat and thin people? Ya think? Just a bit? I digress. As you all know, I'm not bashing thin people, I'm just trying to survive in a world that doesn't recognize me as a full person in practically anything.

Since being here, I've felt kind of off with my body. I don't know why, maybe the flight. Maybe the bikini stuff. Maybe the scale that I stepped on when I got to my grandmother's house. I stepped on it and immediately knew that I shouldn't have. I kept thinking, there's no way I've gained almost 50 pounds since August! I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that this scale is super old and outdated, and that I feel better now than I probably ever have. Mentally at least. Physically, my body kind of has been hating me. I've been feeding her bad things, I've not been taking care of her as much as I can. I'm changing that. But, anyway, for as long as I can remember, my grandma has been dieting. She's always either been counting points or keeping a food journal. She has always looked the same to me. Like Mommom.

I had a salad yesterday and put my bowl in the sink to find a Sensa container in the windowsill. All of this shit is super triggering, and just makes me feel blah.
So yeah, I guess my problem here is that this diet-pusher culture is everywhere. It's inescapable. I am a pretty confident person, and it's bringing me down. I guess I'm also crabby because my legs were burnt to a crisp from being at the pool yesterday, and I can't get comfortable in any position that I sit/lay/stand in. Whatever, I'll be crabby.

What do you do when our diet-culture is kicking you in the stomach? When it isn't about health, but about the way that you look?