I hope everyone is having a great day today, I'm off so what does that mean? School work! What a weird day here in Cincinnati. It's sunny, but I'm chilly. I keep shivering and getting goosebumps, weird. Anyway, I need to get a few things off of my chest. I woke up thinking about my Sunday walk and how great I felt after doing it, and how I haven't done it since then. I felt so amazing! I felt like I was on top of the world! I felt like I truly loved myself because I was taking care of myself.
Okay, here's the thing. I'm terrified. I spend all of this time researching information on health and fitness and gyms.. while I pay for this amazing and award winning rec center out of tuition each quarter. I'm clearly pushing things away. So that I don't have to face it. I'm afraid of looking like an idiot. I'm afraid of becoming obsessive, becoming crazy. I'm terrified of getting my eating disorder back down to not eating at all. I'm scared of not being good enough.
Here's the other thing. The rec center on campus scares the shit out of me. I don't want to walk in there and have these bombshell women assume that I'm just another fat girl working out so that I can look like them. I don't want people to think that I don't like myself. Love myself. Obviously we all have our negative days, but yeah. I don't want to walk around, having people giving me sympathetic eyes. I don't want these people to think that they can teach me shit that I don't already know. I don't want them thinking that my fat is an illness. I don't want to look like them. I want to look like me.
I don't want to get a tour of the rec center, in secret hopes of only wanting to see the elliptical, and have the tour guide take me up and down and up and down flights of impossible stairs. I'd walk right out and say, okay... DONE! I'm not ready for that.