Tuesday, March 13

New Decision & Anxiety

So, if you haven't read my post about boycotting birth control, you should totally read that post before you go on with this one. I'll give you a second. :)

First of all, I gave the impression that I was boycotting reproductive control, which wasn't the case at all. I'm all for the pill, condoms, dental dams, everything. Duh. I was calling it a boycott because my body has been really.. awkward with it. When I first started taking it, I would spot and then BAM no period. So I wanted to stop taking it so I'd have a period again, right? I felt weird not having one. Not that you have to have one to be fully woman or anything, like many idiots claim; I personally just felt like I should have a period, like I'm missing out on something that I should view as a sort of.. gift so to say.

Well, I went from that last post about the boycott until Sunday without my birth control. So, that's about 3 weeks, give or take a few days. I was getting horrible cramps, terrible headaches and my boobs and nipples were the MOST sensitive things. So I knew that I was getting symptoms of a period and likely would have started within the next month probably, which is soon considering I haven't had one in almost a year, right? Well. I was having other issues.

Some of you may not know, but I have super terrible anxiety issues. Some people get a panic attack and freak out thinking that they're dying.. have you ever had one? You know, it sucks. Welp, if you think that sucks.. imagine having them everydamnday. Every day when you're getting ready to go to work, school, the mall, the grocery store.. anywhere. I would (or well, do) get the attacks so often that instead of mentally feeling them--I don't know if I blocked them out or if my brain is used to them, I would just get the symptoms: sweating, redness, shortness of breath.

Well, I've been taking Prozac for these attacks. Started at a low dosage because I've had a terrible past with medications (maybe I'll post about it someday) while I was a little girl because of the death of my father and sister. I was fucked up. Anyway, low dosage. It wasn't doing anything. My doctor doubled it for me. I thought I was feeling better. Maybe I was, or maybe it was just me thinking I felt better? Well, when I stopped taking the birth control to feel like more of a woman with periods, I decided I'd be completely pill free and stop taking my Prozac, too (which I know I probably shouldn't have done without talking to my doctor, so no need to tell me). I decided this because I was still having panic attacks even while I was taking the Prozac, granted not as bad as I used to have them--but they were still there nonetheless, and it irritated me that I was medicated but nothing was helping.

Well, my hormones were out of wack from no birth control and then I wasn't being.. pilled up with Prozac.. I had the worst attack I've had in probably a year. Or more. I don't even know. I hated myself. I hated my body, the way I looked. I was sweaty as shit, my hair was soaking wet from it. I couldn't breathe. My mom said she had never seen me like that. I thought about it and realized it was because I wasn't taking my birth control.

If I have to pick my battles, I'd rather take the pill that wasn't controlling my brain. I've had a bad past with mental medications making me feel like a zombie and making me want to die. I wanted to kill myself because I felt nothing. If I can be Prozac-free and try and figure out my brain on my own, without just being numb to things.. then I want to try. And since the panic attacks weren't going away, why keep taking the medicine?

I'm sorry to anyone who was interested in following my birth control boycott journey. I'm sorry that I, for lack of better words, boycotted my boycott. Haha. I want to be a better person and I want to love myself to the fullest, and taking the Prozac wasn't working with my panic attacks therefore I was feeling like shit.

In other news, look at these cute things I've been doing with my BRAND NEW IPHONE 4S. :)


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